Scene 1
Programme opens with Tony and Carla in the factory.
Tony I will soon be a wealthy man. I have managed to sell another two flats, and I didn’t murder anyone in the process.
Carla (fangs glowing) Yes my dear, I can’t wait to count those notes with you.
Scene 2
The Rovers
Betty (sitting down) I’m on a break.
Steve I thought you were just sitting down because you are so old, and still working in a pub even though you are 88.
Betty No, I just have trapped wind.
Steve I know just what you mean. I feel that same way about Michelle.
Lloyd enters, with Danielle. They sit in a booth.
Lloyd A bottle of champagne please.
Steve Are you trying to impress the bird?
Liz No, it’s my idea. Give him a bottle.
Lloyd (Salivating at Liz’s breasts.) Yes, please give me one.
Liz ( Picking up a glass cloth, and fanning herself with it) Oooh you are awful, but I like you.
Scene 3
The Barlows
Peter And I haven’t had a drink for about a week now.
Deirdre Yes, abstinence is good. I haven’t had an affair for years, have I Ken?
Ken Well I’m always the last to know, but I can’t imagine that you have.
Blanche I am ashamed to call that woman a daughter of mine.
Peter Well it was easy. I had an orange juice in the pub last night and I didn’t want a proper drink.
Deirdre Yes, I know what you mean. I had a scrunch with Ken in bed last night and I didn’t want a proper man.
Blanche Look tell the boy what you want to tell him and stop going on about sex, Our Deirdre.
Deirdre Well Peter, because your drink problem is better now, you can have you son and heir back.
Peter Gee thanks. And to think that my drink problem just started 10 days ago, got really bad about a week ago, and is resolved already! What a guy am I.
Deirdre Yes I know exactly what you mean. I started my strumpetry about 30 years ago, got really bad about 20 years ago, and have weaned myself off ever since.
Blanche Deirdre Barlow, your appetites will be the death of you.
Scene 4
Tyrone and Molly’s house
Molly Sit down and I will feed you.
Jack Ah thanks lass. Since Vera died I’ve relied on you to feed me.
Tyrone I don’t suppose you want to feed me.
Molly Oh you can have a nibble, seeing as I’ve made too much.
Tyrone I’m just needing a nibble.
Jack Vera used to say that to me regularly.
Molly Don’t go getting no ideas though Tyrone. You’re not getting to cross the bolster in bed tonight.
Tyrone Drat, foiled again.
Scene 5
The back Yard Of Tyrone and Molly’s
Pam This oil will make us a fortune, Darryl.
Darryl Yes, whoever would have thought that Jack’s old cistern in his outside toilet would pour oil and not water!
Pam Yes, and even though oil is down to about 40 dollars a barrel I will make a fortune selling this stuff around the pubs, clubs and shops.
Darryl Don’t suppose Dev will buy any.
Pam No, he’s oily enough as it is.
Scene 6
The Rovers smoking shelter
Liz (Talking to herself) He’s young enough to be my grandson, can I really bring myself to sleep with him?
Lloyd (Appearing from the pub, also talking to himself) She’s old enough to be me big sister. Should I try to get her to be a passenger in my taxi of love? Will my gear stick be big enough?
Liz Hi Lloyd. I was just thinking aloud there.
Lloyd Me too.
Liz Thing is, Lloyd, I’m after a young man.
Lloyd Strangely enough, Liz, I’m after an old woman.
Liz I want to get down and dirty with Darryl.
Lloyd And I want to get right into Betty’s hot pot.
Scene 7
The Rovers
Pam A gin and tonic and a half pint for Darryl. He wasn’t stealing knickers earlier and he isn’t a transvestite, and his only kinky side is that he likes older women.
Liz (Appearing in the bar, having finished her cigarette). Every young man should have an older woman. (She adjusts her bosoms). And you are a fine looking young man, Darryl.
Darryl (Panicky) No don’t believe her. I do steal knickers and I am a transvestite.
Programme ends with a close up of Darryl’s face. He is white and shaking. Music and credits.
Programme opens with Tony and Carla in the factory.
Tony I will soon be a wealthy man. I have managed to sell another two flats, and I didn’t murder anyone in the process.
Carla (fangs glowing) Yes my dear, I can’t wait to count those notes with you.
Scene 2
The Rovers
Betty (sitting down) I’m on a break.
Steve I thought you were just sitting down because you are so old, and still working in a pub even though you are 88.
Betty No, I just have trapped wind.
Steve I know just what you mean. I feel that same way about Michelle.
Lloyd enters, with Danielle. They sit in a booth.
Lloyd A bottle of champagne please.
Steve Are you trying to impress the bird?
Liz No, it’s my idea. Give him a bottle.
Lloyd (Salivating at Liz’s breasts.) Yes, please give me one.
Liz ( Picking up a glass cloth, and fanning herself with it) Oooh you are awful, but I like you.
Scene 3
The Barlows
Peter And I haven’t had a drink for about a week now.
Deirdre Yes, abstinence is good. I haven’t had an affair for years, have I Ken?
Ken Well I’m always the last to know, but I can’t imagine that you have.
Blanche I am ashamed to call that woman a daughter of mine.
Peter Well it was easy. I had an orange juice in the pub last night and I didn’t want a proper drink.
Deirdre Yes, I know what you mean. I had a scrunch with Ken in bed last night and I didn’t want a proper man.
Blanche Look tell the boy what you want to tell him and stop going on about sex, Our Deirdre.
Deirdre Well Peter, because your drink problem is better now, you can have you son and heir back.
Peter Gee thanks. And to think that my drink problem just started 10 days ago, got really bad about a week ago, and is resolved already! What a guy am I.
Deirdre Yes I know exactly what you mean. I started my strumpetry about 30 years ago, got really bad about 20 years ago, and have weaned myself off ever since.
Blanche Deirdre Barlow, your appetites will be the death of you.
Scene 4
Tyrone and Molly’s house
Molly Sit down and I will feed you.
Jack Ah thanks lass. Since Vera died I’ve relied on you to feed me.
Tyrone I don’t suppose you want to feed me.
Molly Oh you can have a nibble, seeing as I’ve made too much.
Tyrone I’m just needing a nibble.
Jack Vera used to say that to me regularly.
Molly Don’t go getting no ideas though Tyrone. You’re not getting to cross the bolster in bed tonight.
Tyrone Drat, foiled again.
Scene 5
The back Yard Of Tyrone and Molly’s
Pam This oil will make us a fortune, Darryl.
Darryl Yes, whoever would have thought that Jack’s old cistern in his outside toilet would pour oil and not water!
Pam Yes, and even though oil is down to about 40 dollars a barrel I will make a fortune selling this stuff around the pubs, clubs and shops.
Darryl Don’t suppose Dev will buy any.
Pam No, he’s oily enough as it is.
Scene 6
The Rovers smoking shelter
Liz (Talking to herself) He’s young enough to be my grandson, can I really bring myself to sleep with him?
Lloyd (Appearing from the pub, also talking to himself) She’s old enough to be me big sister. Should I try to get her to be a passenger in my taxi of love? Will my gear stick be big enough?
Liz Hi Lloyd. I was just thinking aloud there.
Lloyd Me too.
Liz Thing is, Lloyd, I’m after a young man.
Lloyd Strangely enough, Liz, I’m after an old woman.
Liz I want to get down and dirty with Darryl.
Lloyd And I want to get right into Betty’s hot pot.
Scene 7
The Rovers
Pam A gin and tonic and a half pint for Darryl. He wasn’t stealing knickers earlier and he isn’t a transvestite, and his only kinky side is that he likes older women.
Liz (Appearing in the bar, having finished her cigarette). Every young man should have an older woman. (She adjusts her bosoms). And you are a fine looking young man, Darryl.
Darryl (Panicky) No don’t believe her. I do steal knickers and I am a transvestite.
Programme ends with a close up of Darryl’s face. He is white and shaking. Music and credits.
First.
ReplyDelete