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Daisy and the Dads

Scene 1: The Rovers. 
Daisy: What can I get you Daniel?
Daniel: I love you Daisy. Pint of.... Since the moment Bethany left, I've deeply madly loved you.... bitter please.
Daisy: I need time... £3.50 please... and space Daniel.
Daniel: Thanks Daisy. No one pours a pint like you.  Even Bethany when she was here, she couldn't make a cup of tea half as nice as the way your pour a pint.
Jennie: (Quietly to Daniel so that Daisy can't hear) You'll be a grand dad Daniel.
Daniel: I'm going to be a granddad? Are you saying that Bertie is the father?
Jennie: No, keep your voice down Daniel.  I mean that you will be a great dad - a lovely dad.  And that's me saying that without you even offering to buy Carla off.

Scene 2: Julie inside Eileen's house
Todd: Julie! How did you get in?
Julie: Key was under doormat.
Todd: Sit down. Me mam'll be here soon. She'll be so pleased to see you.
Julie: I can't. I have an awful secret.

(The door bursts open. It is Kit.)
Kit: Everyone stay still. Do not move. Be without motion. Freeze.
Todd: What's going on?
Kit: I'll ask the questions Grimshaw.  Now who have we got here? (pointing to Julie).
Julie: My name is....
Kit: Julie Carp. AKA Handbag Helen, or sometimes known as Bunty Backpack. A drug supplier of the highest order. Open that bag.

(She opens the bag to reveal a plastic box full of drugs).
Julie: They are mine. I have.. cancer.
Kit: Are you sure?
Julie: Sadly yes.
Kit: Well in that case, I'll let you off with a caution. (He exits.)

Scene 3: Kit enters the Rovers
Daisy: What can I get you officer?
Kit: A pint of lager and the name of the baby's father.
Fizz: Oh I heard Adam say congratulations to Daniel and Daniel saying that he was looking forward to being a dad again. And Daisy saying let's go and talk about it.
Daniel: It's official. I am the daddy. But you would've been a good dad Kit.
Kit: I dodged a bullet there mate.  
Daniel: I love Daisy.  To you she was just a bit of fun.  The thrill of sleeping with a civilian without having to arrest her first.  To me, she's the best I can get since my Bethany left town.
Kit: Let's have a fight Daniel.  Winner gets to be the baby's daddy.
Daniel: No need to fight. I am the daddy. My Bertie will soon be a brother. You are destined to be alone and childless.
(Kit gets angry, and turns around and punches Steve MacDonald in the face.)




Scene 4: Eileen's front room
Todd: Cancer, you say?
Julie: Aye. Cancer.
(George enters)
George: Did I hear cancer? If it's terminal I've got a good deal on offer just now. Pine box,  one car, 12 minute service in the crematorium, the burning, coffee, cake, sausage roll and sandwich in a local hotel, return of ashes inside a cardboard box shaped like Elvis. Only thing is you have to use up this plan within 6 months of signing, otherwise you lose the Elvis shaped box and the cake will have gone off.
Julie: That sounds lovely. How much?
George: £999, but 10 percent family discount. Flowers £50 extra.
Julie: (Takes out her purse): Here you are (hands over a deposit).

(Eileen enters)
Eileen: Day I've had. Rita wanted a taxi from the Kabin to the Rovers.  George wanted sex in the taxi office.  And now... (she sees Julie signing a funeral plan contract) JULIE! What a surprise.
Julie: Eileen! You are looking well. And you've lost so much weight since I last saw you.
George: Sit down Eyelash, and I'll open that bottle of Lidl 2024 Vin de Sverige.
Eileen:  And let's have glasses rather than mugs George.  So Julie what brings you here?
Julie: (She looks at Todd conspiratorially) I was just passing and dropped in to see you. It's not like I'm dying or anything.

Scene 5: The Rovers bar
Steve: (Smarting from the punch) What was that for? It wasn't in the script.
Kit: Improvisation old chap.  And I find you annoying.
Daisy: He has a point.
Steve: Well thank you very much. I'll have you know I've been a sex symbol on this street for 35 years. 
Daisy: Stop arguing boys.  Daniel, come through the back room. We need to talk.
Kit: I'm glad it's not mine. I've got enough rough relatives in this street already.

Scene 6: The Rovers back room
Daniel: And I'll change the nappies and express milk and feed him. I'll paint the nursery and Bertie will have a sweet sibling to play with. And I'll pay off your debts.
Daisy: But Daniel...
Daniel: No buts.  I've decided the money is for you and Jenny so you can buy this place and run it as you like but perhaps cut down on the rooms-by-the-hour rentals.
Daisy: But Daniel, listen to me.
Daniel: Ok keep prostitution business going but try to persuade Sally to keep the noise down when she's working.
Daisy: Listen Daniel.
Daniel: What is it mother of my baby? Can you feel it kick yet? Can I feel your bump... our bump?
Daisy: Oh, ok. Do it.
Daniel: Great. Bethany never let me do that to her but she's gone now and so now I know I love you so much.

I'll have you know I've been a sex symbol on this street for 35 years. 

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