Eileen

Eileen was wearing one of Gail's cast-off tops and one of Liz's mini-skirts (one that she left behind when she'd left Coronation Street). Eileen was trying to emulate Coronation Street's two most alluring and glamorous women so that she too could feel sexy.  Depending on the observer's proximity, desperation and level of drunkenness, she was either stunning, hot, motherly, not bad, scary, ghastly or a man in drag.

David Platt entered the Rovers. He'd fallen out with Shona again and was feeling lonely.  There, at the bar, was the most stunning women he'd seen ever since that time when as a teenager he had accidentally peeped through Vera's curtains.

He approached the bar, and ordered a drink. Now that he was closer, she moved from the stunning to the drag end of the scale quickly.

"You new around here mate?" asked David.

"Go away and leave me alone. I'm out of your league," replied Eileen.

"You're not my thing mate. I mean I've nothing against what you do, but it's no interest to me."

The pub door opened again and in walked George Shuttleworth, undertaker to the stars and working class of Weatherfield.  George was some distance from Eileen and highly desperate, and therefore what he saw was not a drag queen as David had done, but a stunningly hot motherly woman sent from the heavens.  As he walked over, doing his best impersonation of John Wayne recently unmounted from his horse, he became more attracted to this vision.

"Eileen, you're looking absolutely stunning if I may say so.  I'm not sure what you've done but you don't half look like you've given yourself a proper tidy up," he said.  "I must get you to show me how you did your make up so that I can give some of my dearly departed a makeover.  I like to add a bit of spit and polish to the old dears to make them look better for their families. You've captured the essential beauty that I like to add to my lady stiffs."

Eileen didn't take this as a compliment.  She had hoped to meet a George Clooney but instead she'd ended up with a George Shuttleworth.  She turned angrily to face him, and accidentally knocked him over.

"Oh, go and raffle yourself, George Shuttleworth.  David... you've pulled."

David approached Eileen and kissed her on the lips.  The pub door opened again, and Gail entered the Rovers at the exact same time that Eileen's tongue entered David's mouth.

"Leave my son alone Eileen Grimshaw.  First Todd ruins my Sarah's life then Jason has a go with her, and now you.... wearing my clothes.... try to steal my fourth favourite child from me."

Eileen put David down. George got up. Gail approached the bar and Eileen nipped into the toilet as her bra strap had slipped leaving her left breast hanging lower than the right.