Scene 1: David in the cafe
David: Let's meet in't Rovers at lunchtime for a drink. You and me babe.
Shona: Why David?
David: A spontaneous romantic gesture on my part. I'm not thinking about dying. I'll buy you a pint.
Scene 2: David in't street.
David (thinking, not speaking) Well we all have to go sometime. I've arranged to be murdered by a hit and run driver at 2pm. I've not got long to go. I'll nip over to see Good Morning Lovely Day Britain with Ben Shephard and then I'll go in to see me gran.
Scene 3: ITV Studios
Ben Shephard: Thanks to Mary for that lovely recipe showing us how to bake the most lovely flat rolls. Now talking about flat rolls links nicely into my next guess. He's had the 'role' for nearly 25 years, and tonight he will be flattened when he is killed by a hit and run driver. Let's give a Good Morning Lovely Day Britain welcome to David Platt.
David: Hi Ben. I'm not thinking about dying.
Ben: And yet we hear that you will die at 2pm?
David: It's all money-related,
Ben: Because you owe Big Harvey big time?
David: No. Look I've been playing David for nearly 25 years. ITV normally give out long service awards, but they can't afford to give me the customary gift of a £25 Argos voucher, so it's easier to kill me before the anniversary day. I'm sure you'll remember your 25th and 50th long service awards Ben.
Ben: Yes I do. Happy memories indeed. Now talking of happy memories, you're about to kill yourself today, leaving your kids and wife with only memories, isn't that so? You must be at the tipping point.
David: Yes but keep it quiet. It's the only way that Max will be safe and Shona can soon find a man who's more height appropriate for her. I have to stand on a box when I do scenes with her, and each box pose has to undergo a health and safety risk assessment.
Ben: And talking about health and safety, are they using a stunt double at 2pm when you get hit by the car?
David: No need. It's not a long complicated shot. We'll do it in one shoot and I'll be gone for good.
Ben: And talking about good, you must be sad to say "Good"-bye after all these years?
David: Aye. It's all I've ever known Ben. Now I must go and see me gran.
Ben: Thank you David. And coming up after the break, we'll do some more plugging of our expensive phone in competition where we play on your gullibility to persuade you to try to win a delightful holiday.
Scene 4: The Salon
David: It's ages since I cut your hair gran. Let me give you a trim.
Audrey: Just a tidy up then David.
David: I'm not thinking about dying gran.
Audrey: Have you been sniffing perm lotion again David?
David: No. I'm just... I just wanna cut yer hair.
Scene 5: The Rovers
David: Double vodka please Jennie.
Sarah: Well little brother, why did you want to meet for drinks?
St Nick: Yes David. And double vodka at lunchtime? It's a bit much isn't it?
Sarah: Oh aren't we the perfect family, meeting up for drinks?
David: You can both mock me, but you'll remember this day for ever more. Not that I'm thinking about dying.
(Camera pans to other side of bar)
Kit: Have you sobered up Jennie?
Jennie: Nearly. Forget what I said last night.
Kit: But you said...
Jennie: Stupid things cause I was drunk. Best forgotten lovie.
(Kit turns to leave and sees Daniel)
Kit: Hey Daniel. When Daisy said the baby was yours, did she show you the DNA results, or just tell you?
Daniel: She told me. Why?
Kit: I'd double check if I was you. I've just realised that when she told me, she showed me the pub's VAT return. I thought it was the DNA results. All those numbers confuse me.
(Daisy appears).
Daniel: Daisy, Daisy, give me an answer do. Is this here baby, made by Kit, me or you?
Daisy: It won't be a stylish babbie, with a policeman as a daddy.
Daniel: You slept with Kit, so now I quit. You're a bicycle made for two.
Daisy: But Daniel we were on a break.
Daniel: You lied to me. You strumpet.
Scene 6: The garden of remembrance
David (thinking, not speaking) I best write letters to everyone. I haven't got long now, and I've drunk nearly half a bottle of Vodka. My handwriting gets bad if I'm too drunk.
(Phone goes. It's Max.)
Max: David. They are gonna get me. Harvey has contacts everywhere.
David: I'll sort it today. Just hang on in there. It'll be over soon.
Max: I'm scared David.
David: I know son. But you did set fire to the Plattery.
Max: To help you David, with the insurance money.
David: It'll be all over at 2pm. I'm deadly serious but I'm not thinking about dying.
Max: Oh that's ok then.
David: I love you son (But Max has hung up).
Scene 7: In the flat
(David is writing. He has to say the words out loud as he writes, otherwise his concentration goes.)
Dear Lily
You are my daughter even though we don't see you on screen much. I want you to keep on playing football. Please don't worry about me and don't feel too bad. Shona will find a new man once I'm gone. I mean Daniel and Kit are both available, and Ken is back on the scene now that Cassie has stopped drugging him. By the way, your school shirt is washed but I haven't had time to iron it flat. I'm going to be flattened myself soon so I must go.
Dad xxx
Dear Shona
Well I've made a right mess of things Shona. I've got Max in jail for arson. We haven't got a house. And I'm in debt. And now there is a bounty on my head and so today I shall be killed. At 2pm, I'll be hit by a hit and run driver. I've left him a message telling him to make it quick. I hope he doesn't play that message to Nick because he doesn't really need to know. And he has enough going on with Leanne, Toyah, little Sam and he's worried about the quality of the wine that he bought from Petit Pierre down the market.
There's a lasagne in't fridge for the tea tonight. It's a ready-meal, because I haven't had time to cook today what with planning my death, getting drunk, and saying goodbyes. Put it in't oven at 200 degrees for 30 minutes. Make sure that Lily eats some salad with it as you know how bad she can be with constipation when she doesn't get enough fibre.
I'll see you on't other side Shona. And I don't mean the BBC.
David xxx
Dear Nick and Sarah
We've had some life haven't we? Your dad was murdered, then Gail got Martin. He had several affairs and then his girlfriend's father was murdered by Craig's sister who then killed herself after her mam took the blame for the murder. Then our mam married Hillman, and we all know how that ended up. Wet in't canal (or dead like Maxine). Then came various other weirdos, ranging from Phil the foot fetishist to Joe the joiner and Michael Rodwell, and finally Jesse. Sarah, you had a baby at 13, and nearly married Eileen's two sons, one at a time. And Nick, you were a teenage heart throb but then you came back looking older and less attractive. Then you had a series of disastrous relationships but you always managed to remain as a successful little businessman throughout. Your girlfriend got murdered, so you inherited Sam. And Leanne won Simon in the settlement with Peter, and so you inherited Simon too.
No time to talk about the body under the garage or the sink holes, or how Kylie died as I am just about to become the next murder victim. I've lost count of the number of murders we've been involved with. We've just been lucky I suppose.
Don't grieve for me but perhaps you could both remember to buy presents for Lily's birthdays. She prefers the money, and definitely doesn't like Barbie dolls Nick. Just cause you love them doesn't mean that she will too.
Your loving brother
David (Platt).
Scene 8: In the street where the incident will take place.
David (thinking, not speaking): So this is it. The last few moments. I'll start to cross t'road, and then Andy'll run me over and anyone else who might be crossing too.
David starts to cross. And so does Daisy! The car revs and races towards David. Too late... the car hits him and knocks Daisy sideways.
(Nurses appear from the medical centre. Shona, St Nick, Sarah, Daniel and Kit also appear.)
Nurse: I'll just put a bandage on. It always helps.
Shona: David!
Kit: Daisy!
Sarah: Oh David what have you done this time?
St Nick: I'm going to pursue that odd looking fellow over there. He looks responsible.
Daniel: Daisy!
Kit: The baby!
Nurse: Oh he's bleeding. I'm still in training and I don't know what to do. I'll put a bandage on.
Aisha the paramedic (off duty, appears from nowhere): Move over - Weatherfield's only paramedic is here.
Scene 9: In the hospital
Doctor: He's arrested.
Kit: That's my job.
Doctor: Different context. Relax.
Kit: Oh right only the producers are cutting staff and I don't want to be the officer who goes because there's not enough work.
Doctor: No need to worry. According to the Daily Star, PC Tinker is leaving.
Kit: Oh thanks doc! You've put my mind at rest.
Doctor: No problem. I have been commended in the past for my excellent bedside manner.
Nurse: Doctor... David's arrested. What'll we do?
Doctor: I'll do CPR
Scene 10: Daisy's room in same hospital
Daisy: Is the babbie ok?
Daniel: Or is Daisy having an in-uterine haemorrhage affecting her uterus and the foetus?
Nurse: I don't really know. Baby looks fine but I'm just a cleaner. We've had to take on a few extra jobs to help out.
Daisy: I want this babbie and Daniel.
Daniel: But Kit's the dad.
Daisy: Only in the sense that he fathered it.
Daniel: What other sense is there. I portend tragedy, as a qualified teacher like me would say.
Jennie: I'm not sure if I'm meant to be in this scene. I don't seem to have any lines.
Scene 11: In the waiting room
Sarah: I'm beginning to think he arranged this.
St Nick: I heard the phone message, where he said he hoped it would be quick.
Audrey: He wanted to cut my hair. He normally never comes near me.
Sarah: He tried ...
St Nick: to kill...
Audrey: himself.
Shona (enters the waiting room, carrying 4 pints in a cardboard tray): What are you lot talking about?
St Nick: Oh we were just saying that...
Sarah: David wasn't trying to kill himself...
Audrey: It's just all been a misunderstanding even though he went live on air with Ben Shephard on Good Morning Lovely Day Britain and said he was getting killed at 2pm.
Shona (downs a pint in one go): I'll go sit with him.
Scene 12: In ICU with David
Shona sits quietly.
David is motionless. His voice is heard but no movement.
"Aye well I did it. I reckon I'm dead now but I'm not sure yet as it's all dark. I think I said my goodbyes to everyone and left them notes. It's not easy being a dad, a husband or a hairdresser. I've tried my best some of the time. But it's all over now. If anyone's listening in, please get my house sorted out and let Shona move back in. I leave all my Dr Who collection to Gran, my denim jacket to Dev, my hair curlers to Sarah and my CD collection to Nick. There's no money unfortunately. Shona, keep working in the cafe. It's great when Roy let's you bring home the outdated food, cause at least you and Lily can eat. Lily, keep playing football. I know that the scriptwriters are planning to have you in the women's world cup competition playing for England in the future, and you'll score the winning goal only for it to be disallowed when officials discover that Granny Audrey was the 4th Official.
Oh and Maria, can you cancel Mrs Butterball's appointment next Wednesday? I forgot to do it earlier. She's the one who always gives me a 20p tip. And can someone let me dad know that I've died? He was meant to be coming back before Christmas but after a day on set he left. But surely he'd have to come back for the funeral?
And Todd, when you get my body at the undertakers no looking down below. I remember when you tried it on with our Nick after knocking our Sarah up, and I don't want you trying it on with me, even though I'm dead. Finally, please tell Rita that I stole a bar of chocolate once, about 15 years ago. I owe her 60p. I've not had me share out of the tip jar for February yet, so please pay her the 60p from that and give the remainder to Shona."
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