Scene 1: The hospital, David's room
David: Where am I?
Shona: David, you're alive.
David: Yes. I am. I'm fine.
Nick: This is another nice mess you've got us into.
Sarah: Calm down Nick
Shona: I'm going to phone Lily to say that David has survived.
Nick: Break the news to her gently. Don't upset her with more bad news.
(Shona leaves).
Nick: You fool.
Sarah: We read your note. And Nick spoke to Andy the hitman. Why David?
David: Have I died? Is this what hell looks like? Me lying here being criticised by you two into infinity?
Scene 2: Hospital: Daisy's room
Daisy: I've lost the baby
Daniel: Yes
Kit: I would have made a great dad
Daniel: You would have. You're quite a catch.
Kit: Thanks Daniel. You too.
Daisy: Daniel's mine. Keep your big strong policeman's probing hands to yourself.
Kit: If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Daniel I'm still free take a chance on me.
Daniel: If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
Daisy: Can you two both please go? I'm feeling down.
Scene 3: Shona re-enters David's room
Shona: What's going on?
David: I've no idea. I've just woken up from major surgery.
Nick: He arranged it all.
Sarah: He tried to get himself murdered
Shona: Is because of the money that we owe Mr Big Criminal?
David: Aye. You need the insurance money to pay him off.
Shona: But you survived, idiot.
Nick: (rolling up his tie) It's another nice mess he's got us into.
Scene 4: The cafe
Brian: Lovely coffee Roy
Mary: I concur
Roy: Thank you Brian, Mary.
Mary: Coffee making is a fine art. I went on a coffee retreat in Brazil once. We climbed a mountain to harvest coffee beans direct from the tree. We ground the beans whilst the expedition leader chanted an ancient poem as he was playing a tambourine. We brewed the coffee using fresh mountain water and then we realised we'd forgotten to bring milk and sugar with us. I volunteered to go back down the mountain to fetch them, but by the time I got back, there was no sign of the retreat, the leader, the coffee trees, or the percolator. I asked a passing shepherd where they were, and he said that there had been no such retreat for 100 years. He said that perhaps I had imagined the whole thing, or that I'd seen the ghost of a long gone coffee cult.
Roy: Perhaps you hallucinated the whole experience, owing to a reduced oxygen level in the atmosphere.
Mary: But how would you explain this? (She pulls a tambourine out of her bag).
Scene 5: David's hospital room
David: I need to die to get Harvey off me back.
Nick: Just pay him back
David: What with?
Sarah: You've got your job. And you don't have any council tax to pay, seeing as how your house burnt down.
Nick: And you could put up your prices in the barbershop. And perhaps you could start selling hair gel, wax, and things for the weekend.
Shona: It'll take too long. There is another way though. (She rushes out of the room.)
Scene 6: Speed Daal
Yasmin: I want some fire in my belly.
Roy: I haven't had a hint of a smouldering ember since Hayley died
Yasmin: I want to move away to a new city with new challenges.
Roy: I'm happy with my little cafe. And I have my hobbies: trains, bats, history, backgammon, classical music and collecting waifs and strays.
Yasmin: Yes... you've had Fizz, and Wayne, Toyah, Becky, Kylie, Shona, Carla, Tracy, Baby Amy, Chesney, Mary and Emily Bishop.
Roy: Each with their own issues.
Yasmin: Emily was the worst. Being overly sanctimonious is a hard problem to solve.
Roy: Perhaps, though Mary's intensity and drive scared me at times. She gets obsessed by things. And people.
Scene 7: Hospital, Daisy's room
Shona: (Bursting in). David tried to kill himself because he needs money. I want you to give me money Daisy
Daisy: But why should I?
Shona: Cause if you don't I'll tell the police that you were driving the car that hit me, when you covered for your drunken boyfriend Daniel when he stole a car after falling out with Bethany.
Daisy: Oh yeah. Fair enough. Ping me your bank details over.
Scene 8: Hospital, David's room
David: How can I pay Harvey off if I don't die?
Sarah: We can kill him.
Nick: How? He's in jail.
Sarah: We kill him in jail.
David: Me painkillers are causing hallucinations I think. How can we kill him in jail?
Sarah: We disguise ourselves as a group of travelling minstrels, preaching the word of the lord to bad guys in jail.
Nick: Well it's not any dafter than Rob breaking out of jail and the kidney transplant story.
David: But how do we kill him?
Sarah: We throw a spinning blade at him, cutting his head off. We disguise a circular saw blade as a musical instrument, then during a rousing chorus, we through the instrument at Harvey, and cut his head off.
Nick: I don't think even I could lift a piano and throw it at Harvey.
Sarah: No Nick. We wouldn't put it inside the piano. We need a musical instrument that is round, handheld and lightweight.
Nick: What like a triangle?
David: No. Triangles aren't round. We need summat like a tambourine man.
Sarah: Exactly.
Nick: And how can you afford a tambourine? You're already in debt.
Shona: (Re-enters room). I've got the money. If you want a tambourine we can buy one.
David: Shona, you are truly divine. Now if only we knew a mad frisky middle-aged woman who had one for sale.
Scene 9: Coronation Street
Brian: I didn't know you had a tambourine, Mary.
Mary: Yes, since my coffee retreat.
Brian: I don't like it. I was traumatised by the sixth form orchestra when I was teaching. They banged their tambourines on my head until I fell unconscious. Can't you sell it Mary? For me?
Mary: I understand Brian. I too have known trauma. That time I caught my shoelace on the conductor's baton when I was playing second-lead tambourine in the Nutcracker. Yes, I shall sell it Brian. But who'd want to buy it?
End of episode. Cut to split screen: David sleeping in hospital bed, worried look on his face and Mary walking slowly down the street, a determined look on her face.
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