Scene 1: The Bistro
Nick: Table 4 wants more prawn crackers Amy. Quick!
Amy: Yes boss.
Mary: (Enters). Hi Nicholas. A table for moi alone please.
Nick: Sure no problem. Walk this way madam.
Mary: Oh I can't walk that way any longer, not since my circus accident. Nellie sat on me.
Nick: Nellie the elephant?
Mary (with a laugh). Oh Nicholas you are silly. If an elephant sat on me, I'd be dead. Nellie was one of the star human performers. She was was a clown and during one of her performances, she sat on me thinking I was a deckchair. I haven't worn stripes since.
Nick: What a colourful life you have led Mary.
Mary: Are you flirting with me Nicholas?
Nick: No... just customer care Mary. Would you like to see the specials?
Mary: Oh Nicholas. You are flirting with me. Show me them straight away.
Scene 2: Hospital, main entrance
David: I'm still alive. Harvey's still alive too.
Shona: Not for long if we follow Sarah's plan.
Daniel: (Walking out of the hospital). You two are evil.
David: How's Daisy?
Daniel: Her baby died, and you are blackmailing her. How do you think she feels?
David: Eh what? Shona... what's going on?
Shona: I needed to get money to be able to buy the tambourine so that we can kill Harvey with a hidden circular saw blade which we will throw at him when we are in the jail pretending to be do-gooders singing hymns to the inmates and so I reminded Daisy that she drove the car that Daniel stole when he was drunk and that Daisy hit me with it and drove on.
David: A hit and run eh? There's a lot of them happening just now.
Scene 3: Roy's cafe
Mary: I need to sell my tambourine.
Roy: Tambourines are in short supply worldwide, ever since Trump imposed massive tariffs on tambourine manufacturers, because he thought they were Totally Awesome Marine Submourines made by China using Canadian Steel and Mexican immigrants, and capable of travelling undersea with nuclear weapons attached aimed at Trump resorts worldwide.
Mary: So, it'll command a handsome price in that case? Unlike me, who wants to command a handsome prince but alas one has never come along. Well there was that time with Prince Charles before Camilla came along, but it all got nasty with the secret police and the royal protection officers.
Roy: Why don't you put an advert in the Kabin window?
Mary: It's hardly the best way to meet Mr Right, Roy. I'll stick to Tinder.
Roy: No - an advert for your tambourine.
Mary: Oh, of course. Good idea.
Scene 4: Hospital, David's room
Daisy: I want that money back. Now that I know you set it up.
David: But we need a tambourine.
Daisy: I needed a baby. And now I won't have one.
David: I can give you a child. You can have Lily if you want her. Or else I could... you know... give you one.
Daisy: Let me think it over.
Scene 5: Speed Daal
Yasmin: I've sold it to Leanne.
Start spreading the naans;
I'm leaving today.
Leanne will own a part of it,
Speed Daal, Speed Daal.
Leanne: Yes. I'm a proper little woman of commerce, and I'll try my best to put Nick out of business.
Scene 6: The Kabin
Mary: Can I put a postcard in the window please?
Rita: That'll be one shilling please Elsie
Brian: It's ok Rita - I'll deal with Mary. Now then Mary. It's 50p a word.
Mary: "Tambourine for Sale. £45,000 or nearest offer. Inquiries to The Flower Shop."
Brian: Twelve words - that's £6 please.
Mary: That's really expensive. Will you do it for five?
Scene 7: Hospital, David's room
David: I'm still alive.
Shona: You are.
Nick: Look I've got my own worries. Leanne's taking over Speed Daal.
Sarah: We need that tambourine.
Shona: I'm going to get one.
Nick: She's a proper little business woman. She'll put me out of business. Today I only had one customer all day. Mary from the florists. She was jingling and jangling for two hours.
David: Don't you mean she was prattling and droning for two hours, telling you tales of her adventurous past?
Nick: Yes she was doing that, but she was jingling and jangling too, as if she had a tambourine in her bag.
Shona: A tambourine, eh? I'm off.
Scene 8: Coronation Street, outside the Kabin
Shona stands in front of the Kabin reading the postcards. Dev is giving the kiss of life to the flowers that he has for sale on the stand outside the shop.
Dev: Hey Shona. How is the D Man?
Shona: He's alive. Still in hospital.
Dev: Do you want to buy some grapes for him? I've got grapes. Or perhaps a bottle of Lucozade. I've got Lucozade.
Shona: (Distracted by what she sees on the postcards): What? Err no, no grapes, no lucozade.
Dev: What are you looking at?
Shona: These postcards in the Kabin's window.
"Nurse's Outfit for sale. £12. Used twice, small rhubarb stain but otherwise immaculate. Size 10. Contact Metcalfe, 4 Coronation Street."
"Wedding dress for sale. Used 7 times only. £650 OVNO. Call Gail on +33 2161 28202
"Found: Hairnet - vintage look, possibly dating from 1960s or 70s. Small reward sought for safe return. Tel 07771234567."
"Tambourine for Sale. £45,000 or nearest offer. Inquiries to The Flower Shop."
"Actor seeks work. Soon to be available for pantomimes, Shakespearean productions and murder mystery nights. No sex scenes. Call Craig on 329084202"
Dev: Whoa whoa, rewind. Tambourine for sale? I've always wanted a tambourine.
Shona: No, stick to the sitar Dev. I'm having this tambourine.
Dev: No, I want this tambourine. I've mastered the sitar and the dholak. If I add a tambourine I could be my own one man Bollywood band.
Shona: If I don't get it, David dies.
Nick: (Wanders across from the Bistro). What are you two looking at?
Shona: This... (she points at the postcard)
Nick: I think I could broker a deal. I have a feeling that Mary might fancy me.
Dev: Mary fancies every man Nick. Even David. And Kirk.
Dev, Nick and Shona all make disgusted looking faces.
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