Alternative Coronation Street

  Shuttleworth's Undertakers For all your funereal requirements Free Wi-Fi inside Special offer: Buy two funerals and get one free! Burials, cremations, disposals, disappearances all catered Prices from £695 "We should really have a bigger choice of coffins.  Peaceful Planters  have at least a dozen styles," said Todd. "We have four big sellers - pine, chipboard, hessian-sack and oak lookalike.  Something for everyone's budget," replied George. "Something for everyone's budget yes.  But not something for every taste.  Take Kirk for example. He'd be happy with chipboard. Kevin would suit an oak lookalike for obvious reasons. Pine will be fine for Jenny I'm sure. And I'm certain that the horrible new Lou would suit a hessian-sack.  But what about environmentalists like Roy or Nina? I'm pretty sure they don't want hessian or cheap wood.  We should offer wicker baskets. A Viking boat funeral.  Indian pyres.  We need to get this busin...

 1. Explain the meaning of community. Kirk:   Well community is like a chest. You get them in Monopoly. Daniel: Community, derived from the Latin meaning a society or a relationship system.  Related words are common and communion. Thus, for me a community is a grouping of people who are linked by something that they possess in common, whether through location, social class, work or some other agent that pulls, or binds, them together. Gemma: Me mam's had community service a lot.  She had to pick up litter and drain the canal.  One time she was gardening for old people but she kept nicking their vegetables and so got sent down for three months.  Community service is meant as an alternative to jail but for her, it led to jail. It's not fair really. Mary: Community refers to the wonderful people with whom one shares this street.  They are all so special, though some are more special than others.  When I was a travelling person, I moved from town...

 "Bless me father for I have sinned," said Nick. "We don't actually do that kind of thing," responded Billy the Vicar. "But please feel free to talk to me." "It is 30 years since my last confession.  As a teenager, Granny Tilsley insisted I went to confession every week." "That's £4.90 please," said Dev.  Nick handed a fiver over. "I'm not sure where to begin." Nick was genuinely confused. "10p change," said Dev. He placed a 5p in Nick's hand, hoping that Nick wouldn't notice. "I ran away with Leanne and got married when I was 17," he carried on, pocketing the 5p, not noticing that Dev had diddled him out of money.  Dev did a high five with an imaginary friend.  He was making his way to a million pounds 5p at a time. "A frozen curry for one and a litre bottle of vodka please Dev.  Why don't you focus on the last few years Nick?  I haven't been in Coronation Street long enoug...

Debbie, business woman of the year 2012 and former contestant in Celebrity Small Sister, enters the Rovers, and heads over to the bar.  She needs a drink after a day worrying about Kev, her ill brother, and running a chain of hotels somewhere outside of Coronation Street. She barely reaches the top of the bar and has to shout for service.  Glenda pops her head into the bar when Debbie shouts, but seeing no one there, she pops back into the hall.  Debbie shouts again, and Daisy looks around, finally seeing Debbie and her massive handbag. "Debbie.  What can I get you?" "At last. I've been stood here for 10 minutes. I'll have a rum and pineapple please Daisy, only don't put any ice in it and put the pineapple in first then the rum and then the straw and finally the little cocktail umbrella." "We don't have pineapple juice, straws or cocktail umbrellas.  And we're out of short glasses, so I'll just give you some rum in a pint glass.  And we ...

 David entered the cafe.  His wife Shona works there, so he often drops in but today he knows she isn't working and he decides to treat himself to a breakfast special with tea. He read the Gazette whilst he was waiting.  David, homeless since Max set fire to the house, saw an advert in the Weatherfield Gazette that caught his eye:   " Unique opportunity to share house with others. No rent charged in exchange for you allowing cameras to follow your every move and to detail your every communication with other housemates.  Would suit married man with no house who needs a break after attempting suicide by asking someone to run him over. " He couldn't believe how good a match it was for him and so he decided to apply straight away. He wrote his application immediately, using one of Roy's napkins as writing paper. " Hiya I'd like to apply for the gig.  I'm used to cameras following me about and people listening in.  I'm a married man whose house was bur...

 It's Wednesday lunchtime in Roy's Rolls.  There's an hour-long episode on telly tonight and the locals are going about their business as usual.  Some will feature in tonight's episode, and others won't.  Those not needed this episode will simply go back to their homes, workplaces or visit their favourite pub or bistro and have a drink or a meal quietly in the background. Roy made a Lancashire Lasagne earlier, and has just chalked it up on the specials board.  It's a cross between a hotpot, an Eccles cake and a lasagne.  It's Roy's own creation and it serves as a main and a pudding in one. Sally comes in.  "I'll have a skinny latte please Roy.  And a salad barm cake." "Coming up Sally."  Roy can tell a lot about his customers by what they order. Sally, he deduces, is living a pretentious life as usual.  Weatherfield just isn't a skinny latte place, but he plays along.  The salad barm cake, though, that is a real worry.  A sala...

 "Egg and chips please Roy," says Gary.  He gives a mean nasty look at the camera to remind viewers at home who he is as he hasn't had a decent story in such a long time.  "And don't burst the yolks, or I ain't paying."  This last line isn't in the script but he is desperate for some lines, and he so much wants to emulate his heroes on Eastenders who always go around sniping at one another and talking in a threatening way. "I'll bring it over in two minutes.  Please take a seat," replies Roy.  He has a worried look - the same look he had the day he arrived at his train destination only to find that his vacuum flask was broken and it hadn't kept his tea hot. Gary looks at all the chairs, and shakes his head. "No thanks Roy. I'd never sell it on and it would just lie in stock in my second-hand furniture store." "No, I meant please be seated," says Roy.  His expression changes to mild amusement with a bewildered...