It's hard being David

 David entered the cafe.  His wife Shona works there, so he often drops in but today he knows she isn't working and he decides to treat himself to a breakfast special with tea.

He read the Gazette whilst he was waiting.  David, homeless since Max set fire to the house, saw an advert in the Weatherfield Gazette that caught his eye:  

"Unique opportunity to share house with others. No rent charged in exchange for you allowing cameras to follow your every move and to detail your every communication with other housemates.  Would suit married man with no house who needs a break after attempting suicide by asking someone to run him over."

He couldn't believe how good a match it was for him and so he decided to apply straight away. He wrote his application immediately, using one of Roy's napkins as writing paper.

"Hiya

I'd like to apply for the gig.  I'm used to cameras following me about and people listening in.  I'm a married man whose house was burnt down and I tried to get myself killed by asking a former jail mate to kill me in a hit and run.

Yours sincerely

David Platt age 35 and a half."

"Hey Roy. Have you got an envelope?  I'm a poor and homeless man whose future looks grim."

"An envelope? Alas no. I don't have one handy, and as I'm on my own I can't go upstairs to get you one.  Furthermore my potato peeler has gone missing and I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to prepare enough chips for the afternoon rush."

David looks dejected.  First his mother left.  Then his house burnt down. Next he didn't die when he was meant to and Max was sent to jail.  And now, Roy couldn't give him an envelope.

Debbie came into the café. She had her phone in one hand and her large handbag hooked over the other arm. She sensed the atmosphere.

"Gentlemen... I sense summat's wrong.  Roy you look as if you're in the middle of a turmoil - torn between doing two things and feeling concern that you might have made the wrong decision.  David - you look bedraggled, haunted and badly let down by an unlikely series of events. Auntie Debbie can sort it out, so tell me what's wrong."

"I need an envelope," said David.

"I need a potato peeler," said Roy.

Debbie rummaged in her handbag.  She took out an envelope and handed it to David.  Next she took out a potato peeler and handed it to Roy.  "Does anyone else need anything?"

An elderly woman sitting in the far corner looked over at Debbie hopefully. She was an extra and dreamed of the day she might land a real acting role.  Debbie felt her pain and took out a copy of 'From Extra to Actor - A Guide to Success' and handed it to the woman.

David thanked Debbie for the envelope.  "You've got so many surprises in there. I don't suppose you've got a house for me?"

"Only this invitation to the Big Brother House," replied Debbie, pulling a large gold coloured envelope from her handbag.  "This is the reply that the Big Brother producers wrote to you, and it's good news!"

"But I han't posted me application yet," said David.

"But you forget that ITV now streams Coronation Street from 7am every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  The producers saw you write your application at 7am today."

David tore open the envelope.

"Dear David Platt

We are delighted to say that you have been successful in your application to join the Big Brother House. Welcome aboard.

Big Brother

P.S. Don't bring any weapons such as a stolen potato peeler."

David smiled.  At last something was going right for him.  He'd had a tough life, though a lot of it he brought on himself.  But was it really his fault that his mother's first husband was murdered, that his dad's girlfriend killed her father? Was it David's fault that his mother had a succession of husbands, and that Richard had tried to kill them all in the canal, after murdering several of David's neighbours?  Was it David's fault that his wife Kylie had an affair with his brother or that she murdered her ex-boyfriend Callum? Was it his fault that Clayton killed Kylie and that years later David would marry Clayton's mother Shona?  Was it David's fault that she slept with Kit who then went onto sleep with Daisy whose baby David was partly responsible for killing? He had experienced trauma in his life, that's for sure.

"Congratulations David. A celebrity living on the street! Who would ever have thought that could happen?" said Roy.

David needed an escape. A way out of this place. Coronation Street had been nothing but bad luck for him.  He would get himself arrested on Celebrity Big Brother by peeling someone to death using Roy's potato peeler.

The fame, the notoriety, the media interest would be enormous.  He imagined a Netflix series about the effect of growing from boy to man on Coronation Street, in one role for 25 years.  He could see himself in prison, running his wing from the comfort of his cell.  The screws would fear him and the other inmates would look up to him.

Debbie placed her order and Roy graciously prepared it for her. David left the shop, the potato peeler stuffed inside one of his socks.