Egg and chips

 "Egg and chips please Roy," says Gary.  He gives a mean nasty look at the camera to remind viewers at home who he is as he hasn't had a decent story in such a long time.  "And don't burst the yolks, or I ain't paying."  This last line isn't in the script but he is desperate for some lines, and he so much wants to emulate his heroes on Eastenders who always go around sniping at one another and talking in a threatening way.

"I'll bring it over in two minutes.  Please take a seat," replies Roy.  He has a worried look - the same look he had the day he arrived at his train destination only to find that his vacuum flask was broken and it hadn't kept his tea hot.

Gary looks at all the chairs, and shakes his head. "No thanks Roy. I'd never sell it on and it would just lie in stock in my second-hand furniture store."

"No, I meant please be seated," says Roy.  His expression changes to mild amusement with a bewildered afterglow. He understands where the confusion came from and he prides himself on accuracy in his language.

He selects two eggs from the cardboard egg tray.  There are thirty eggs on this tray and Roy likes to use them up in a particular order.  He selects top left (the only place to start, he believes) and then, like a knight in chess,  he moves one to the right and two down and selects the second egg.  He cracks them with a practised hand, and allows the precious content of each to reach the hot oil below.  Shortly, they're ready for serving and with some chips added the dish is soon delivered to Gary.

"What's this?" snarls Gary.

"Egg and chips, yolks unburst, as requested."

"Yeah I know but I mean, what's this?" replies Gary pointing at the eggs with his knife.  "Why are my eggs fried in the shape of two letters?"

Roy looks at the eggs and for the first time he notices that the eggs have indeed formed into letter shapes.  One egg has formed into a D shape, and the other has (much more bizarrely) formed into a W shape.

Gary stares at the two letters DW.  The same two letters that spell out the name of the boy who bullied Liam - the son of Maria, his very own scarlet woman. "Dylan Wilson bullied our Liam, and now you serve me this?"

The door opens causing a bell tinkle.   Sean enters, wearing a Free Dylan Wilson tee shirt. "Are you talking about my son lady?"

Gary doesn't like being called lady.  "Your son's initials have appeared in my breakfast eggs, designed to taunt me I'm sure.  It's a sign."

"A sign of what?" asks Sean.  "My Dylan's in prison, and he can't do any bad things there.  Your Liam is safe from my Dylan, even if he was free."

"Perhaps," said Roy, his calm voice the sound of reason, "we should just all sit down and have a nice cup of tea."

Gary isn't satisfied.  He plays around with the eggs, using his fork to move them around his plate. "This is a sign that someone is out to get me. I know it is."

"You're looking at this from the wrong angle.  Look, I've been misunderstood all my life, simply because I'm a little bit different to other people on the street.  Never take things at face value Gary Windass." Sean looks surprised at his little speech.  Emboldened, he takes the fork from Gary and moves the eggs around.  He swaps the D and the W around.  "WD?  Does that mean anything to you Gary?"

"WD40 my favourite light oil, ideal for small jobs around the house. Helps stuck things to turn, such as when you are trying to open a jammed lock" he replies, following the producer's instruction to do a bit of product placement for additional revenue.

"You said wrong angle, Sean," says Roy. "And you said helps things to turn when they are stuck, Gary." He takes the fork and turns the "W" egg 90 degrees clockwise.  "We're stuck, so we need to turn things around and see them at a different angle.

Suddenly, they all see that the W rotated 90 degrees wasn't a W at all.  It was an E.  The eggs now read E D.

"E D," says Sean.  "Don't suffer in silence.  Half of all men will experience E D at least once a week.  Triarda, the new treatment available without a prescription."  Inwardly Sean is squirming.  Why does he always get the embarrassing product placement lines? 

The door opens, and in walks Ed Bailey.

"Ed!" says Roy, Sean and Gary in unison.  "What message do you bring?"

"Your car's blocking the Platts' drive Gary.  I'm doing the repair work over there and can't get in. Can you shift it?"