Izzy, Kirk and Brian too

 Izzy, Kirk and Brian decided to hire a boat.  They were on the beach at Blackpool, enjoying a picnic when Izzy took a notion to go sailing.

"I can drive a boat," said Kirk.  "I know all of the words to Sailing by Rod Stewart."

"That doesn't qualify you to sail a boat," replied Brian.  "But I was a school teacher in front of a class of 30-odd teenagers so I know best how to cope with the highs and lows of a rough journey."

"I can operate a sewing machine," chirped in Izzy. "But that's not relevant either.  Let's just do it.  It's not as if there's a dreadful storm brewing which is going to drag us thousands of miles away, and wreck us on a deserted island.  Let's do this!"

The adventurous threesome set sail.

Twelve hours later...

"What happened?" asked Kirk.

"There was a dreadful storm and we were dragged thousands of miles and wrecked on a deserted island," explain Brian.

"Aye we weren't expecting that were we? Still, we've got each other."  Izzy looked at the two men in front of her and tried to smile as if she were optimistic about surviving.

Brian looked at Izzy and Kirk. He wasn't convinced of his survival chances given his companions but he too smiled.

"It'll be a great adventure this," said Kirk.  He beamed enthusiastically at the other two. "I'll sing you a song to cheer you up."

"I am sailing, I am sailing, home again, 'cross the sea...."

After he'd finished his song, the threesome sat down to plan their survival strategy.

Kirk said that he could easily build a shelter. "I worked in kennels when I was younger," he explained, though he didn't make clear why this would mean he could build a shelter.

"I can take charge of making fires and scavenging.  I was in the boys' brigade as a young man and I learned all of the survival skills."  This proud boast came from Brian.  He immediately took out his pocket note book and pencil and removed them from a waterproof case. He started his list.

"I can cook, sew, paint portraits,  rewire a house, make wine, play the trumpet, hack into computer networks and tune a piano," said Izzy. "I'm also a qualified first aider and rodeo rider."

Kirk set to work.  He found lots of pieces of driftwood on the beach and he carefully tied bits together using vines.  Soon, to Brian's surprise, he had a wall finished, then another and another.   The fourth wall was built (always important in TV dramas) and then a sloping roof was added made out of round canes tied together and covered in palm leaves.

Kirk next started on the internal walls and soon created 3 bedrooms (one with en-suite), a living room, dining room, kitchen, TV room and guest bedroom.

Meanwhile, Brian was busy making lists:

• Dishwashing rota
• Cleaning rota
• Agendas for weekly operational meetings
• Agendas for monthly strategy meetings
• Agendas for quarterly reflective meetings
• Recipe ideas
• Rules and regulations 
• Dues and fees price list
• Duties of the Leader
• Rules for detention, lines and punishment essays

While all of this was going on, Izzy was occupied fashioning a satellite dish out of bits of scrap metals and electronics which had washed up onto the beach.  Soon she had a working satellite connection and was able to pick up television broadcasts via Freesat.  She also, conveniently, picked up a television which had been thrown overboard by the chef of a passing Russian trawler, the creator of the most wonderful recipes, whose crew who were far more interested in watching Kironachion Strasse, a Russian soap opera showing everyday life in St Wettervieldburg.  They watched this programme every day during dinner, and they failed to notice the fine cuisine that the chef prepared, as they were so busy watching nonsense on TV.  Everyone on the boat had a favourite character in the show.  For many it was Riata, the no-nonsense newsagent who sold Pravda to the masses. For others it was Liana, the erstwhile lover of Nikolas, and business woman of year 2022.  Male favourites included Kenski, a Stalinesque grandfather figure and Damir - a barber - and his son Maxim.

An hour later, once Izzy had finished, she created a rudimentary hydro electric power system.

Brian meanwhile had collated all of his lists and organised them into a basic constitution.  He'd also started a small fire and he had scavenged some plants and nuts for food.

"What are you hoping will happen to us?" asked Brian as the threesome sat around their fire at night. 

"I'm hoping to see Beth again," said Kirk.

"I'd love to see Gary again," said Izzy.

"I'd love to see Cathy again," said Brian.  "But we are all stuck on this island with just each other for company.  Why did this awful thing happen to us?"

"Let's go to into the shelter.  We can see what's on TV." This suggestion came from Izzy.

They switched on the news channel. 

"Good evening and welcome to BBC news at 10.  Leading the news tonight:

• Donald Trump has raised and lowered tariffs on all and none of America's trading partners.
• Three minor characters from ITV's Coronation Street are missing, feared dead, following a freak weather phenomenon today in Blackpool.
• A Weatherfield man was beaten up in an apparently random attack in the ginnel between two rows of houses.

"Minor characters," fumed Brian. "I once played Godot you know."
"Feared dead," shouted Izzy.  "Don't give up on us. We're alive."
"Blackpool," repeated Kirk full of excitement.  "I love a day to Blackpool me."

After the news, they were all about to turn in for the night when a knock came to the door.  They jumped and looked at each other.

Brian volunteered to answer the door.   He fancied himself as the illustrious leader and felt he should show how brave he was (though he didn't feel it at all).

Standing at the door was a ginger-haired man wearing a grass skirt and flower garlands.  

"All right.  My name's Gary, and I live in the shelter just along the beach with my two lady friends, Beth and Cathy," said the stranger.  "Wait a minute... is that you Brian? Brian Packham from the newsagent's?"

"Gary Windass! Come in. I can't believe you're castaway here too. What happened?"

Gary entered the shelter, and was shown into the living room.  He saw Kirk and Izzy and said hi.

He sat down to explain.  "I've not featured in a storyline since January so i decided to take a break.  I met up with Beth and Cathy who were both stranded here after leaving Coronation Street.  We've been living as man and wives ever since."

Even Kirk understood the line 'man and wives'.  Gary Windass had been having Friday-night-doggy-treat time with his Beth.  Brian also understood.  Gary had been having Dolly-Mixture-play-time with his Cathy.  Izzy was a bit less concerned as she and Gary had stopped gangster-and-moll-strip-poker many years ago.

"No sign of a rescue all the time you've been here Gary," asked Izzy.

"There's a couple of ships pass regularly but we've no way of making ourselves seen.  We wave frantically and Beth shouts at the top of her voice but they're just too far away."

"Haven't you tried setting a beacon alight?" This was Brian's question.  As an expert fire starter he felt he could smugly ask this question knowing that the young, handsome, fit and virile Gary probably lacked one skill that he possessed.

"We don't have fire, and we don't know how to start a fire," replied Gary.  Brian felt superior.

"Let's build a beacon and set it off when we see a ship then.  We'll soon get ourselves off this island."

"But let's not hurry," Kirk said.  "Let me have a few days with Beth."

"Agreed.  I would love some time with Cathy, said Brian.

"We've got three bedrooms here," said Kirk.  "Me and Beth in one room, and Brian and Cathy in the other."

"I'm not wanting to lie in bed alone andl isten to you four bonking," said Izzy.  She felt slightly dirty just saying the words and she felt slightly nauseous when she pictured the scene.

"I could come and keep you company, for all time's sake," volunteered Gary who had had his fill of both Beth and Cathy.

And so Beth and Cathy with Gary moved in with Kirk, Brian and Izzy.  Gary and Izzy retired to bed eariy each night, but Cathy and Beth were so thrilled to see a TV set again that they insisted on staying up till midnight and beyond to watch QVC, the news, films, and all of the rubbish that they show in ITV2.  Brian and Kirk ended up feeling frustrated but they did get plenty of sleep.

 Between all six, they did built a beacon and they were all, of course, rescued in April 2025.  Everything that happened is documented in full detail in Coronation Street: The Feature Length Desert Island Special.  

(This episode will never be transmitted and is only available as a VCR VHS tape.)