Nick and Barbie

 I was 44 on the 31st December 1980  People often assume I'm older but I'm just very sensible and mature for my age.  And I'm played by an older actor, Ben Price, who was 53 on my birthday.  I wasn't sure that he was a good fit for the part.  I said is Ben the best person to play me? And the producer replied 'the price is right,' and laughed.

So, I've been asked to tell you about me, the Nicholas, NT, the Nickster.  You all probably know that I'm a highly successful businessman, and that everything I touched turns to gold.

Gail, my mother, adored me.  I, in turn, allowed her to do so even though it's clear to all that she is well below me in terms of intelligence, class, manners, ability, personality, modesty and entrepreneurship.

I often think that I was probably mixed up at birth.  Ryan Gosling was born in late 1980 and I am convinced that he and I were swapped in hospital.  If you look at his handsome face, you can see that he looks like me, so naturally we would have looked similar when we were newborns.  He is Canadian and my Uncle Stephen was Canadian.  There are many more 'coincidences' like this all supporting my belief.  Ryan has a middle name: Thomas.  I also have middle name: Paul.   Notice how we both have middle names from the apostles. 

Another similarity is that Ryan played Ken in the Barbie film, and I have a massive collection of Barbie dolls.  So, can anyone really say that we aren't similar? 

I like to play with my Barbie collection when no one is looking. I bet Ryan/'Ken' likes to play with Barbie as well. I love my Barbies so much that I refer to my sister Sarah as Skipper and I call Bethany, her daughter, Stacie.

Ryan should be here running this bistro.  He could bring his Canadian maple syrup with him and offer pancakes and more to Toyah.  I wouldn't care because I'd be playing with the real Barbie and making beautiful movies.  I think I would have made an excellent 'Gray Man'.  And everyone knows that I am a 'Nice Guy'.  I should be an internationally known highly paid actor but instead I'm stuck here as a very successful, handsome and lovable businessman.

People often say to me: "Nick, you are a highly successful businessman.  Where did you get the money to start your first business?"  The answer is simple.  Even as a young man I knew that I had to use my assets.

It started with Betty in the Rovers. When I turned 18, I went into the Rovers for the first time.  I was in my Rickitt phase. Devilishly handsome with a camp effete persona and a body like a marble statue's.  Betty was old - probably my mother's age or even older - and had been widowed a long time.  Apart from monthly meet ups with Norris she had been going without male company for a long time.

Betty couldn't pay me in cash; instead she paid me in Hot Pots, which I then resold down the market.  As well as Betty, I tended to the needs of Liz MacDonald, Sally Webster, Janice Battersby and Eileen Grimshaw which was a a little awkward as I'd just had that incident with her son Todd shortly before.  I saved the money, and soon had enough money to start my Barbie collection.  I bought and sold rare Barbie dolls and I also ran a mobile Barbie Repair Service for broken Barbie's.

Soon I was a millionaire and I've been highly successful ever since.  I run the Bistro and a very fine eatery it is.

I live in an upmarket executive apartment with Toyah and my Son Sam. He is like me - exceptionally gifted.  He plays chess which in a way is what I've been doing all my life with my family.  David's my brother and he's just like a pawn as far as I'm concerned. Small, expendable, powerless and always inferior to me, the King.  I control the board, and the Rooks, Bishops, Knights and the Queen follow my lead.

I see Gail as the Queen. Much more power than she deserves.  Skipper and Stacie are rooks. Just going in straight lines up and down, left and right and not really getting anywhere.  Toyah and Leanne are my Knights, galloping around in ways that only they can move.  

That leaves my Bishops - Emily and Ernest. Ernest is dead like my dad.  He died two years before I was born (Ernest, not my father).  And Emily is in Peru like Paddington.  But both continue to move around my chessboard and protect me from trouble.

So, that's me.  Real name Ryan Gosling (probably) but swapped at birth and ended up with a dreadful family.  Despite all that, I'm the most successful business person, a chess board puppet master and the man with the biggest collection of Barbie dolls in the universe. On top of this, I'm exceedingly good looking, as everyone can see.

Now are you ready to order, or shall I tell you about my awful brother David while you make up your mind?