Ratings booster

 Preamble

To boost ratings, the producer has decided that the action, tension, dialogue and storylines should all be taken up two notches so that viewers are kept in a heightened state of awareness during the broadcasts.  A new American director has been given the chance to direct one episode to see if audience numbers rise.

Scene 1: The Rovers Return

Jenny screams.

Scene 2: Ken's house

Ken jumped up out of his chair.  "What was that goddam awful noise Steve?"

Steve tried to get out of his seat but struggled a bit until Ken gave him a hand.  Once on his feet, he walked over towards the wall the house shared with the Rovers.  "It was a chilling scream, Ken. And I think it came from the Rovers."

Scene 3: The Kabin

Brian was filling the liquorice all-sorts jar.  He liked to do this by hand as it allowed him to put all the sweets that people liked around the edges of the jar, and the ones people disliked in the middle.  This way when customers saw his sweets on sale, they were lulled into believing that there were more of their favourites and fewer all liquorice sweets.  

Christina, mother of Daisy, walked in.  She surveyed the scene carefully like a 1950s primary school teacher looking around the room to check that no one was chewing or showing signs of rickets.

"I will have...." she started.  She then paused for 30 seconds.  The camera slowly panned in on her face.  "...lighter fuel and a copy of this local newspaper." She picked up the Weatherfield Gazette.

"£3.70 please," said Brian.  He always felt uneasy in Christina's presence.

"Money well spent. It will repay itself a thousand, a million times over."  She slammed the correct amount onto the counter and left the scene. Brian popped a Bertie Basset into his mouth to calm his nerves.

Scene 4: The Rovers Return

Daisy rushed through to the bar. Why was Jenny screaming?

"What is it Jenny?  Is it those goddam awful tax inspectors again?"

"No. Nor is it Mary and Steve in flagrente delicto."

"What is it then?

"I thought I saw...."

"A gunman?" asked Daisy.

"No.  It was... "

"An explosive device hidden under the bar?"

"No.  I thought saw an empty space where my mobile should be, but I have it here," explained Jenny.

No sooner had these words left Jenny's mouth than Christina came into the pub.  She stood in the doorway and surveyed the scene.  She walked up to the bar. 

"A gin.... With tonic darling," she said. The 'darling' sounded more like control than kindness. "Put it in an empty beer bottle.  I will have it to go."

Once her drink was poured, she picked it up and left the scene.

"I hate that woman," said Daisy.  She grabbed the lemon knife and rushed out of the door, chasing her mother.

"Come back Daisy. Don't ruin your life in one moment of madness," shouted Jenny. 

Scene 5: The Corner Shop

Sally was searching through the freezer cabinet.  She was hoping for a cottage pie, one that she could embellish at home with some lumps of potato and cheese.  Tim deserved top class cuisine.  And Sally was going to make sure he got it.

In came Christina. She looked menacing.  "I will have my revenge.  Yesterday's bread was not fresh."  She surveyed the scene with disdain, turned and left the shop.

"I wonder if I could combine this macaroni cheese with that chicken tikka korma and give my Tim some of my fusion cookery?  It's time we spiced things up again," Sally said, speaking to herself.  Dev looked disgusted but said nothing.

Scene 6: The street, outside The Corner Shop

"You mother of a bitch," screamed Daisy.  She hadn't quite thought the insult through to its logical conclusion, but never mind.  It served the trick, and Christina turned to face her.  She surveyed the scene before her, her face devoid of any emotion beyond disgust.

"Daisy darling,"  There it was again; the threatening 'darling'.  "You cannot kill me, y'all ain't strong enough, dumbass."

"Daisy, stop this," pleaded Jenny, from half way along the street.

Daisy pinned Christina against the pillar box and raised the knife.

Scene 7: Inside number 13, the Kevitorium.

"And I said I need those brake pads now, cause I have to get this Austin Allegro back to its owner today. I'd already changed the spark plugs. I used Greysparks make before but now I'm use Fireup. I think the spark is that bit longer lasting." Kevin was entertaining Abi and Jack with tales from the old days.

"I was there Kevin," said Abi, a haunted look on her face. She had a flashback to the moment Seb died for no reason other than to raise the excitement of the scene.  She needn't have bothered because suddenly there was a loud scream from outside.

Jack, glad of the distraction, asked: "Was that the scream of someone being murdered?"

Abi was able to answer that one.  "No. When Mason was murdered it was quiet. Same with Seb. Though that was before this new producer told us to raise the dramatic level of each scene. Perhaps it was the scream of someone in the act of committing a murder."

Jack stood up and promptly fell over. He had forgotten to put on his prosthetic foot.  He banged his head and lay on the floor with blood slowly seeping into the carpet that Kevin and Sally had bought together only 30 years previously.

"Is he dead?" asked Kevin. "Or should we call an ambulance?"

Scene 8: Outside the corner shop

Jenny raced towards Daisy.  "Put down the knife Daisy!"

"Shan't."

"Ah Jenny darling," said Christina as she calmly surveyed the person before her.  "Just out of bed are you?"

"Dom and I had a lie in but no jiggly piggly," Jenny replied, feeling self-conscious next to the immaculately made-up Christina.

"Are you trying to protect her?"  Daisy was standing in an attack position ready to pounce, or ready for Jenny to grab her from behind to pull her off.

Jenny grabbed her and pulled her back.

"I'm trying to protect you," said Jenny.

Christina turned and walked out of the scene.  As she did so, an ambulance, horn papping and lights blazing screeched to a stop between Kevin's house and the shop.

"It's all right," Jenny said to the ambulance driver. "I stopped Daisy killing Christina."

"Begging your pard'n ma'am. I ain't here for no murder in the street. I'm here to go to Mr K'Van Webster's hoose," explained the driver. He had a strange Scottish/American accent like a Scot who'd lived stateside for years. Or else, a Glasgow taxi driver who'd just returned from a two week trip to Disneyland. The producers had asked him if could do an American accent at the audition and he'd assured them he could. "I have reports of a dead teenager, y'all. Noo where diz the wee lad live?"

"Number 13. There."

Scene 9: Kevitorium

"I didn't know whether to call George Shuttleworth or and ambulance," said Kevin, shuffling his feet as he showed the paramedics into the living room.  "It was a real dilemma. A bit like the time I changed spark plug suppliers."

There lay Jack, motionless.  Abi was having flashbacks to Seb and Mason, so she wasn't really any use to anyone.  What was it with her and young men and boys?  They all seemed to come to nasty endings when she was in their lives.

"No pulse, no breathing," said the first paramedic.

"Acht, ah cannae let ye die oan me," said the other paremedic.  He realised he'd dropped the accent and so he ad-libbed a bit. "I won't let you die on me you mofo. Not now, not like this. It's not your time."

The paramedics charged up the defibrillator.  "Clear," ordered Paramedic one.  They shocked the teen, but nothing happened.

The defibrillator charged again. Again, not response.

"Let's take him in.  We need an expert on the case.  Chest compressions please.  No one's gonna die today, not on my watch, no sirree."

The ambulance drove away at considerable speed.

"I wonder what brand of spark plugs they use in them ambulances," mused Kevin.

Scene 10: Underworld

Christina entered and surveyed the scene carefully. She looked as if she could smell something rotten in the factory.

"I have some goods that need to be transported.  I want you to give me 20 empty packing boxes," said Christina. No suggestion of a thank-you was in evidence.

"I'm in charge of packing," said Kirk.  "I can't give you boxes without authorisation from Mrs Connor."

"You will bring them in 12 minutes unless you want me to shoot you. Pile them up in the Corner Shop's backyard," she responded before turning and leaving the scene. 

Kirk tried to make sense of what had just happened.  He struggled in normal times and Christina's statement was really far in excess of his capability.

Scene 11: Kevitorium   

"One of us should've gone in the ambulance with him," said Abi.

"Hardly seems worth the bother. He was unconscious, and he might not make it.  They'll phone if there's any change," replied Kev.

"I couldn't go. He definitely would die if I was there.  I'm not lucky around young men."

"I've never been a good dad you know," said Kevin looking into the distance, with a faraway look in his eyes.

"Don't be too hard on yourself Kevin," said Abi. Kevin had been hoping that Abi would be supportive like this.  "It's not only your fault that you're such an awful dad." Well maybe she wasn't so supportive.

"Thanks."

"No, I mean Sally never helped did she? She allowed you to be self-pitying and grumpy for 20 years."

"And Jack's mother left him when he was a baby," said Kevin, determined to deflect some of the responsibility.

"Well she hardly 'left him'. She was killed in a tram crash so I don't think we can blame her for that, can we?"

"Tyrone tried to keep Jack," offered Kevin. 

"You need therapy.  You have unresolved emotional issues."

"I admit I find it hard to talk about my feelings," declared Kevin.  "I can be as good a daddy as I set my mind to be."

"Your inner child needs to be born into the world of now. You must face the present as if it was the past. Or the future."

Kevin was about to dial the therapist to make an appointment when the phone rang.

"Mr Webster? It's Weatherfield Hospital.  We have news."

Scene 12: The back ginnel

A figure, face unseen, enters the ginnel.  The person surveys the scene, pauses and says in a loud whisper, "revenge is a dish best served... flame grilled!"  A hand poured lighter fuel over rolled pages from the Weatherfield Gazette. They were placed in some a pile of empty cardboard boxes which had mysteriously appeared behind Dev's shop.

Scene 13: The Kevitorium

"News? What about?" Kevin looked confused.

"Your son, Jack. I'm afraid...."

"You're afraid? What are you afraid of? Why are you telling me?" Kevin was very confused now.

"It's bad news," said the nurse on the phone.

"It's bad news Abi," repeated Kevin.  As if living here on Skid Row wasn't bad enough.

Scene 14: The back ginnel

"Goddamit!"

Scene 15: The Kevitorium

"Bad news? But I wasn't near him," said Abi.

"No," replied Kevin.  "I expect it's this left-wing socialised second rate health service where everyone else pays for a person's stupidity.  In the US of A, Jack would have survived and even now would be relaxing in a private room with nurses coming in and out every few minutes to check on his progress and keep him alive.  The rest of the world is stealing our health care system.  We should have tariffs on bandages, oxygen and foreign borncstaff.  Let's make health care great again."  Abi was shocked by this articulate and right-wing rant.  

Before she could reply, there was  the sound of shattering glass as someone fired a dozen rounds of bullets through the bay window of every odd-numbered house.  "Thank the good Lord for the Second Amendment," she said.

"Kids mucking about. If they ain't playing soccer outside my garage, they're committing mass murder," said Kevin.

Scene 16 the back ginnel

"I haven't got any matches to light the lighter fuel to light the cardboard boxes to burn down Dev's shop.  This is just, like, totally real bad," said the dark unknown figure. "I'll just go home and have a skinny almond latte decaf and some cookies."

Scene 17: The Kevitorium

"The bad news is that we can't give him a bed," continued the nurse, ignoring Kevin's ramble. 

"Are you sending him straight to the mortuary?" Kevin frowned a bit more than usual.

"No. We're hoping you can come and pick him up."

"But don't you have porters to pick up dead bodies and move them around?"

"Yes but Jack needs a lift back home. He came in with a foot missing.  He'll need picking up."

"So he didn't die?  What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing wrong with him at all.  A tiny surface abrasion which bled a little, that's all. Oh and some burn marks from where someone tried to shock him."

"Gee thanks ma'am. It may not be  health care from the land of the free, but at least it's free when you need it in this land of Merry England."