Todd was sawing timber. He'd use the cuts later to make a coffin. The sales brochures showed finely crafted pieces made with the shiniest of hard woods, but in reality each coffin was hand made in the back shop and then placed within a slightly larger show coffin which is what the public saw. At the crematorium, Todd simply waited for the curtain to close and then removed his hand-made coffin from inside the show model. One went into the furnace and the other went back to the office with Todd and George.
The front shop door opened and the attached bell jangled pleasantly (though not too merrily) alerting the staff to the presence of a customer.
The customer today was Kirk. Todd knew, of course, why Kirk was here. As PC Craig Tinker's step-father, it fell upon him to make plans for the young policeman's final journey following his untimely death. His sister, Maria, entered a few seconds later.
"Call me tonight," she said to whoever was outside. "Yeah I'm deadly serious. Totally up for it. But I have to go and help my brother to make arrangements for a funeral."
"Who's the stiff?" The unknown man asked.
"It'll be you later," said Maria and giggled.
"Who was that?" Kirk felt obliged to ask.
"A window cleaner. I'm not sure of his name."
Todd ushered Kirk and his sister to the sofa. It was floral in a 1980s way, and had belonged to Mrs Budget. Her family didn't want it after she passed, mainly because she had died on it after an amorous encounter with Kit the policeman who had called around about a missing garden gnome. It hadn't fitted into the hearse but once tied to the vehicle's roof, Todd and George had managed to get it into the front office for the recently bereaved to use.
"Take a seat," said Todd.
"I don't really want a seat. We've got enough furniture," said Kirk.
"He means sit down," said Maria in a loud whisper. She was used to Kirk's constant misunderstandings but it didn't stop her from getting frustrated.
"It's our Craig. Well not our Craig." He pointed to himself and to Maria. "He's Beth's son and I'm Beth's husband so he's my stepson. He's been murdered."
"He's dead," confirmed Maria needlessly.
"So we need a funeral. A cremation, a big floral display saying PC Tinker, and a big glass carriage drawn by huskies. Afterwards at the Rovers," listed Kirk.
"Reception at the Rovers," agreed Maria.
Todd went through the usual routine of showing pictures of coffins, floral arrangements, picking songs for the service, eulogies, times, number of cars needed, order of service sheets and so on. He secured a slot at the crematorium on Tuesday at 10am.
"That will come to £6,251," said Todd after adding up all of the costs.
"£6,251," stated Maria.
"And that will be a solid oak coffin, made from an ancient British oak tree cut down outside a Toby Carvery?" Kirk asked, trying to make sure he got it exactly the way Beth had instructed him.
"Guaranteed," answered Todd.
"Yes," said Maria paraphrasing Todd's response.
Kirk signed the paperwork, feeling confident in his local undertaker, after which Todd showed them out. The window cleaner was by now working on neighbouring properties but when he saw them leave, he shouted: "See you tonight sexy." Todd and Maria both replied, "Can't wait".
Todd returned to the joinery workshop and carried on cutting wood. He'd make the coffin later, and then place it in the oak veneer coffin that they used to conceal the rough cut look of the actual coffin.
The bell on the door jangled again. Todd was convinced that the tone of the bell was angry and troubled, though he told himself that this wasn't possible. George too heard the door and as Todd appeared from the workshop, George appeared from the office. They looked strange standing there together, like the weather-house man and woman who are never normally seen out at the same time.
"I killed Tinker, and I want to pay for the funeral to make amends," said Kit.
"Take a seat Kit," said George.
"But I've already..." started Todd
"I said it's my turn," snapped George. "Get back to the workshop."
Todd left.
George talked through the options with Kit, and jotted down all of the details. George was able to secure a slot at the crematorium on Wednesday at 11am. Kit said he'd pay the funeral over 3 months interest free using Klarna.
"I'm a bit short just now," said Kit. "I lost my wallet recently," he explained.
After Kit left, George called Todd so that they could discuss upcoming work. He took his notes off the clipboard and opened the planning book - the Diary of Death as Todd called it. He said it was gallows humour - his way of coping with the dark side of the business - but in reality it was just Todd being Todd.
"We've got Craig Tinker in next Wednesday," said George.
"No, it's Tuesday. Craig Tinker, 10am Tuesday next. " Todd flipped to Tuesday. "There you go; it's in the Diary of d... it's in the Diary for Tuesday at 10."
"Why'd you put that there? It's Wednesday at 11. I've just made the arrangements with Kit."
"But George, that's what I was trying to tell you. Kirk came in earlier and I booked Craig's funeral for Tuesday at 10."
"But Kit has signed a Klarna agreement. You know how hard it is to cancel that."
"And Kirk has paid in full. And he was acting on Craig's mother's behalf. So Craig's is getting crisped... I mean cremated.. on Tuesday at 10."
"But Kit's a policeman and if I mess him around he might re-open the case into my illegal embalming operations. You'll have to cancel Tuesday."
"People are coming from far and wide for Craig's funeral," said Todd. "They'll have made arrangements already."
"This is nice mess Todd. What are we going to do?" George was clearly worried.
"We stick to the plan," said Todd.
"Which plan though? Tuesday at 10 or Wednesday at 11?"
"Neither. That's to say not Tuesday or Wednesday but both. Both Tuesday AND Wednesday," said Todd.
"You can't cremate a body twice Todd. That's surely the first thing you learned on the Cremation Correspondence Course."
"We have the funeral on Tuesday at 10 and slip Dan Dan the Oven Man a twenty and explain to him we don't want to use the slot we've booked. He'll look the other way. He was fine when we needed to get rid of that extra body that time," Todd said. He sat forward in his seat as he talked and his hand gestures became very animated.
"Got rid of what extra body?" George's expression was bemused.
"Oh nothing. I forgot that you didn't know about that. Look that doesn't matter. We give Dan Dan the twenty and bring Craig back here and then on Wednesday at 11, we have Kit's version of the funeral. It'll be all police officers only, and no family. Tuesday will be Kirk, Maria and his family and friends. Wednesday, police. Never the twain shall meet."
"Her name's Swain," said George. Detective Sergeant Lisa Swain."
"I meant the two parties will never meet. We have two funerals - one for friends and family and one for the police. We're doing them a favour really. The police don't like mixing with civilians, and some of Craig's friends and family are a bit shy of police company. Bernie, Gary, Maria, David - none of them are fans of the filth."
George looked at his left shoulder as if listening to a little devil sitting there. Then he looked at his right shoulder to see what the little angel had to say. "It's not a bad idea. I think we could make it work," he said.
~ * ~ * ~
Tuesday came, and half of the Street turned out for the funeral of PC Craig Tinker. The funeral went off smoothly apart from two incidents. The first was when the window cleaner started to clean the large window that overlooked the garden of remembrance. He was shirtless and wearing shorts. Both Todd and Maria were distracted and they missed the first few lines of Amazing Grace. They recognised him as the window cleaner they'd seen earlier. "Big pole," said Maria. "Magnificent action," said Todd.
The second hiccup came when Bernie said, in a loud voice, "I thought that some of his police mates would have come to the funeral. It's absolutely disgraceful that not a single officer turned up," just as the coffin was trundling through the curtains to its fate beyond.
Todd was behind the curtains when the coffin appeared at the other side. He handed a twenty pound note to Dan Dan the Oven Man. Just as he did so, the window cleaner came in and asked if he could refill his bucket. "Wish I got big tips like that," he said.
"Hi, I'm Todd Grimshaw. I work in Shuttleworth's Funeral Home. You do our windows." He thrust out his hand.
"I'm Will Vitrum, your local friendly window cleaner." Will smiled and his teeth gleamed brighter than a newly polished pain of shop window glass. "So what's with the big tip?"
"I wouldn't say I have a big tip but..."
"The money you handed over to to oven man here. What was that about?" It was obvious that Will was a bit suspicious.
"It's complicated," said Todd.
Maria entered. She had seen the window cleaner go into the cremation back shop area, and decided to find out more.
"Yes," Maria said. "Todd's life is very complicated. But I'm very uncomplicated and easy."
"I'll call you later sexy," said Will.
"Sure," said Todd.
"Can't wait," said Maria.
"You're not my type mate," said Dan Dan.
~ * ~ * ~
Wednesday came, and half of the Weatherfield Police Force turned out for the funeral of PC Craig Tinker. The funeral went off smoothly apart from two incidents. The first was when the window cleaner started to clean the inside of large window that overlooked the garden of remembrance. He was wearing a tight vest and jogging pants. Both Kit and Swain were distracted and they missed the first few lines of "Don't Stand So Close To Me". They recognised him as the main suspect for a series of housebreak-ins. "Big ladder," said Swain. "Handy cover for a quick burglary," said Kit.
The second hiccup came when the DCI said, in a loud voice, "I thought that some of his family and friends would have turned up for the funeral. It's absolutely disgraceful that not one family member came to pay their respects," just as the coffin was trundling through the curtains to its fate beyond.
Todd was behind the curtains when the coffin appeared at the other side. He handed a twenty pound note to Dan Dan the Oven Man. Just as he did so, Will Vitrum the window cleaner appeared. "There's definitely something going on here," he said. Every time I see you two together there's money changing hands. And how come you're having another funeral for PC Tinker?"
"It's complicated," said Todd.
Swain appeared. "Everything is complicated when you are doing business with Will Vitrum, also known as Laveur de Vitres. He's a wanted man. As soon as we get the proof, I'll have him."
"Lucky you. I've been trying to have him for ages and getting nowhere," sighed Todd.
"Look, how can I persuade you to drop your investigation into me?" asked Will.
"Prove that you've turned over a new leaf. Stop thieving and help the police rather than giving us more crimes to investigate."
"I'll see what I can do," replied Will.
~ * ~ * ~
George and Todd were sitting in the undertaker's front office. George sat behind the desk, and Todd was relaxing on the sofa, which had once belonged to Mrs Budget before she so tragically died.
"We got away with it Todd We have held two funerals for Craig and and no one noticed a thing. Two services, two funeral teas, two sets of hymns and two sets of mourners."
"Yeah, and look at all the money we've made," agreed Todd. At the mention of money, his hand automatically started to feel down the sides of the sofa to see if any money had been dropped there at any time. His hand felt something about 4 inches by 4 inches. A leathery feel. He retrieved the item, sure that it was a wallet.
He stuffed it into his pocket before George could see. "I best get back to the workshop to make some more fake coffins," said Todd. He rose from the sofa and left the front office. He glanced over at George, and realised for the first time how much he resembled Oliver Hardy. George smiled at Todd as he left, and realised for the first time how much he resembled Stan Laurel.
Todd liked working in the workshop. He could be as sloppy as he wanted to be because all he needed to make were roughly formed coffins. As long as they fitted inside the show coffin, it didn't really matter. He got his tools out and continued working on a coffin that he'd started earlier. He had a collection of off-cuts of wood - pallets, old doors, timber found in skips and pieces of huge brown furniture that had occupied elderly people's homes since the 1950s and which hadn't seen daylight until the houses were cleared after their owners died. Todd acquired a lot of solid wardrobes and enormous dressers this way. From all of this, he created some very rough but serviceable boxes into which fitted the deceased.
Todd remembered the wallet he'd found down the side of the sofa. He took it out and opened it up. Inside was a driving licence in the name of Kit Green. Coronation Street's one and only DC Green. As well as £120 in twenties Todd found a membership card for Mandy's Spit and Rub Sauna, a Freshco loyalty card and a credit card in the name of Kat Brown.
Todd was pocketing the cash when he heard a noise from outside. He looked out of the window and saw Will Vitrum, window cleaner. Todd smiled, and gestured for Will to come inside.
"Every time I see you, you've got money in your hands or you're handing money over to someone else," said Will. "I saw you pocketing the cash from that wallet." He pointed at the wallet lying on the workbench. "A window cleaner sees things that Wugles never see."
"Wugles? What's a wugle?" asked Todd.
"Window Mugles. Wugles. People who don't understand the magic of windows."
Will looked around the workshop. "I know what's going on here. You're making coffins."
"Yes I am."
"And you place them inside real coffins and swap them at the crematorium so that you can resell and reuse the real thing. It's a scam." Will picked up the wallet, and flipped it open. "This belongs to Kit Green."
"I'm going to give it back to him. I found it down our sofa."
"You mean Mrs Budget's sofa?"
"How did you know it was Mrs Budget's sofa?"
"I was there when DC Green came around to investigate the missing garden gnome. I saw him seduce Mrs Budget with his amazing charm. He killed her and you took her sofa."
"The family didn't want the sofa," said Todd. "The old hag died on it and no one wanted it."
"True. The family wanted rid of it. But one thing you didn't know was that a boy became homeless that night. A boy who loved his grandma, a boy who had been looked after by his grandma since my parents threw me out."
"Threw you out? What do you mean?"
"I mean that I, Will Vitrum, was that boy and the 'old hag' was my grandmother."
"You're Mrs Budget's grandson? And Kit was..."
"He was my grandmother's killer. He was too enthusiastic, too tall for that sofa. The angles were all wrong."
"The way I'd like to go," said Todd gazing into the distance.
"I think you and I could be good together," said Will.
"Me too! I was beginning to think you didn't like me."
"Oh I like you a lot. I like the fact that you can give me a cut of whatever racket you've got going on here. I like the fact that you're going to give me all that money that you took out of Kit's wallet. He owes me that at least for murdering my grandmother."
"I'll have to talk to George first," said Todd.
~ * ~ * ~
"He saw you putting the home-made coffins together, caught you paying off Dan Dan, knows about the two funerals, saw you stealing money out of Kit's wallet and on top of all that, he's living homeless since Mrs Budget died, she was his granny and he's not happy that we're using her couch?"
"Well if you want to put it that way, then yes."
"This is another nice mess that you've gotten me into," sighed George as he twiddled his tie.
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