Alternative Coronation Street

The Rovers Return Mary: I often wonder what you see in me Brian. Brian: Mary, Mary, Mary. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou are more lovely and more temperate. Mary: But Brian, I very much fear that my summer is fading fast. Brian: In truth, you're probably at the stage of the first frost of autumn. Mary: And yet do not the apples hang lustily from my boughs, waiting to be picked, to be pulped, to be fermented and turned into the sweetest cider? Brian: I like a good cider. Mary: I used to like cider. I would drink it with friends after school. It made us very naughty and we played the most silly games of dare. Once, my friends dared me to steal a policeman's helmet. Brian: And did you? Mary: Of course. I got mother to help me. She entered the police station to report me missing, and insisted that she had murdered me. This meant that she had to be interviewed, and during the interview mother pretended to have a psychotic episode, during which time she picke...

 Scene 1: The Bistro Nick: Table 4 wants more prawn crackers Amy. Quick! Amy: Yes boss. Mary: (Enters). Hi Nicholas.  A table for moi alone please. Nick: Sure no problem.  Walk this way madam. Mary: Oh I can't walk that way any longer, not since my circus accident. Nellie sat on me. Nick: Nellie the elephant?  Mary (with a laugh). Oh Nicholas you are silly. If an elephant sat on me, I'd be dead. Nellie was one of the star human performers. She was was a clown and during one of her performances, she sat on me thinking I was a deckchair.  I haven't worn stripes since. Nick: What a colourful life you have led Mary. Mary: Are you flirting with me Nicholas?  Nick: No... just customer care Mary.  Would you like to see the specials? Mary: Oh Nicholas. You are flirting with me. Show me them straight away. Scene 2: Hospital, main entrance David: I'm still alive. Harvey's still alive too. Shona: Not for long if we follow Sarah's plan. Daniel: (Walking out of the...

Scene 1: The hospital, David's room David: Where am I? Shona: David, you're alive. David: Yes. I am. I'm fine. Nick: This is another nice mess you've got us into. Sarah: Calm down Nick Shona: I'm going to phone Lily to say that David has survived. Nick: Break the news to her gently.  Don't upset her with more bad news. (Shona leaves). Nick: You fool. Sarah: We read your note. And Nick spoke to Andy the hitman. Why David? David: Have I died? Is this what hell looks like? Me lying here being criticised by you two into infinity? Scene 2: Hospital: Daisy's room Daisy: I've lost the baby Daniel: Yes Kit: I would have made a great dad Daniel: You would have. You're quite a catch. Kit: Thanks Daniel. You too.  Daisy: Daniel's mine. Keep your big strong policeman's probing hands to yourself. Kit: If you change your mind, I'm the first in line.  Daniel I'm still free take a chance on me. Daniel: If you need me, let me know, gonna be around Dai...

Scene 1:  David in the cafe David: Let's meet in't Rovers at lunchtime for a drink. You and me babe. Shona: Why David? David: A spontaneous romantic gesture on my part. I'm not thinking about dying. I'll buy you a pint. Scene 2: David in't street. David (thinking, not speaking) Well we all have to go sometime. I've arranged to be murdered by a hit and run driver at 2pm.  I've not got long to go.  I'll nip over to see Good Morning Lovely Day Britain with Ben Shephard and then I'll go in to see me gran. Scene 3: ITV Studios Ben Shephard: Thanks to Mary for that lovely recipe showing us how to bake the most lovely flat rolls.  Now talking about flat rolls links nicely into my next guess. He's had the 'role' for nearly 25 years, and tonight he will be flattened when he is killed by a hit and run driver.  Let's give a Good Morning Lovely Day Britain welcome to David Platt. David: Hi Ben. I'm not thinking about dying. Ben: And yet we he...

Scene 1: Coronation Street, outside the shop David: Andy. Got any jobs for me? Andy: Aye. 3pm, precinct. David: Usual cash? Andy: Usual cash, usual rules. (No one is arrested). Scene 2: The Bistro Amy is bored.  She has picked up three meat balls from a plate waiting to be delivered and she is trying to teach Sam how to juggle. Amy: One up, two up catch one, throw three, catch two throw. Sam: Should we be doing this? Won't the meatballs get cold? Amy: They were pretty lukewarm to start with. Sam: Just like the love that my father has for Leanne.  'Twas once hot, now at best it is tepid. Amy: Tepid... tepid. Oh if only my mother could see me now. Me learning new words like tepid. (No one is arrested). Scene 3: David and Andy lurk David: Got the cash? Andy: I'm good for it. David: And no one knows we're here? Andy: No one and certainly not the police. So no one will get arrested. (No one is arrested). Scene 4: The Police Station Swain, DI Swain: It's quiet on the stre...

Scene 1: Secure Training Centre - Education Wing. Daniel: Hey kiddo, you're new here aren't you? It's Dylan isn't it? Dylan: Yeah, hi, yeah. Daniel: In honour of your arrival we shall study Dylan Thomas poems today. Page 52 everyone: "Do not go gentle into that good night." Other boys: Groan. Daniel: Now then young chaps, read, digest and think about the meaning. (Daniel leaves the room.) Other boy 1 (Mike the Tike) Is he your dad's boyfriend? Dylan: Not yet. My dad is single. Mike the Tike: Do you want him as a step dad? Dylan: I'd prefer him to Billy the Vicar or Todd the Undertaker. Mike the Tike: (Taken aback).  Man, you got some heavy connections.  The Vicar sounds like a right bad guy, and The Undertaker... well the title speaks for itself.  Respect Dylan.   Daniel: (Re-enters the room). " Do not go gentle into that good night//  Old age should burn and rave at close of day//  Rage, rage against the dying of the light." What does it mea...

Scene 1: Rovers back room. Jennie is tidying things away and dusting surfaces. Daisy is at the table drinking tea. Daisy: I can't let Daniel think he's the father Jennie: Where's the harm?  It's not like anything could go wrong. Daisy: But it will break his heart when he discovers the truth. In 18 years' time he will see Classic Coronation Street and all of this storyline will be right there in front of his eyes. Jennie: Kit is a good looking face for sure.  I mean if he was a grandfather clock I'd be watching his pendulum swing back and forth every day.  Daniel's more of a wrist watch.  Something you strap down for 10 hours and you then toss it off at night.  Kit's the better looking timepiece but Daniel is more suitable for every day use. Daisy: I understand. I can strap Daniel on every day, but Kit's too big to be of much use except as a big piece of wood.  Scene 2: Daniel's flat Daniel: Adam, I have news. Adam: What is it uncle Daniel? Did yo...