Alternative Coronation Street

 Sean decided that Double Granny was not working out.  It was hard enough pimping out one granny at a time but to pimp out two was like trying to sell two caps to a one-headed man.  No, that was it. Double Granny had to go. He told Rita first.  As one of his first assets he felt that he should.  He also told Gail, Audrey and Evelyn, his other assets, who were of course people lower down the Double Granny Road to Riches scheme.  Audrey was disappointed, as she quite enjoyed the job.  Evelyn was annoyed as usual, especially as she'd been saving up to buy a camel. Sean gathered all of his recruits and down-stream agents together for a meeting.  These were the people who bought supplies from Sean (leaflets, business-cards, oils, accoutrements, clothing, doggy-bags, wool, bingo-dabbers and more, all embossed with the Double Granny logo in gold lettering, and sold on at vastly inflated prices).  Sean bought supplies from his up stream supplier who ...

Roy was buttering a bap when Nina came downstairs.  She was wearing a nice flowery dress which she'd bought from the Weatherfield Organisation of Felines (WOOF), the cat rescue charity shop.  "Good morning Roy," she said.  "My Seb is dead and that Corrie is free." Roy used tongs to pick up some ham for the now-buttered bap. "Hello Nina.  How are you today?" he enquired. "Needing revenge," she replied looking at the tongs as an idea came into her mind. --- Later, in Dev's, Nina nicked a bottle of vodka.  Dev was distracted by the "Learn to dance Bollywood" video showing on his phone. She staggered back to the cafe, drinking as she went. "Where's the tucking fongs?" she asked. She saw them, and swiped them.

"Now?" asked Rita.  She wished she'd never picked up the phone.  Her gin glass was still half full, the other half pint having gone down nicely with the Fred Elliott pie that she'd found at the bottom of the freezer during a recent foray looking for frozen peas.  "I don't normally do paying gentlemen callers after 8pm. But if you really are 21/21/21 (stones, centimetres, years) then pop over. Usual fees mind, and, don't expect gymnastics." --- "Measure it?" said Rita. "I don't need any measurements to tell you that is not 21cm. I've been selling rulers in the Cabin for more years than I care to remember, and I know what 21cms look like. And you don't look like you're 21 years old either. In fact I know you're not because I remember when Gail went into labour back in December 1990. You're nearly 31, but not 21. David was lost for words momentarily. "Maybe I'm 11,21,31 (stones, cms, years). Can't we a...

Now that summer was here Eileen decided that she needed a new outfit. The second hand stuff that Norris had given her from Emily's house was getting a bit thread bare, and Mary's hand-me-downs were always a bit drab. Liz's old clothes were a bit tight.  Eileen wanted to look glam and sexy. She wanted to look like Gail. Gail was everything that Eileen wasn't. Happy, friendly, fashionable and popular.  She was a great mother, a hot bit of stuff and very attractive to all men and some women.  Eileen decided to acquire some of Gail's garments. Monday was washday in Gail's week.  Gail's washing danced on the line. Her skirts caught the breeze, Marilyn Monroe style. Her blouses seemed to to link arms as they flapped around.   Her vests were perfectly still.  The gentle wind blew straight through the gaps between the strings and so unlike her other clothes they were motionless The washing line colours were vibrant, the whites pure white. Eileen waited for Gai...

Hyrone was half way through an oil change on a fourteen year old Fiesta when he saw Alina Pop coming out of Underworld.  Alina was a sucker for a man in dungarees, especially if he was ginger, sweaty and covered in oil. "'Allo 'allo," said Alina.  "Zat is a very fine... how do you say... oil filter." "It's s standard Bosch filter. Available for next day delivery from most suppliers," he replied. "Tee hee hee," she giggled.  "Hee hee." "It's not the biggest one I've fitted today," said Hyrone. "You should've seen the size of the one I fitted this morning." "Oh I would 'ave liked to 'ave seen zat. It sounds like filter quite extraordinaire," she replied. "You've got a lovely accent Alina, very French." "Ah oui, but I am not French.  I am Romanian but I was knocked on ze head when I was smuggled into ze country and when I awoked, I was speaking in French....

C ares and worries bore down on Norris. It had been months since his last appearance and with this ongoing pandemic he felt as if he'd never get back to work. He watched the programme to keep an eye on things, and he witnessed its downhill travel and its Eastenderisation. Kidnaps, shootings, shoutings, constant stream of people being rushed to hospital, and police turning up every week as there had been another major crime. Where was the humour? Mary, Tuppence Beresford to his Tommy, had the occasional foray into fun, and Evelyn had her withering moments, but Rita was now Agony Aunt with a constant weary worry and even Gemma had grown into a character with 'issues'. Ken had turned into Don Vito Corleone ruling the community with a rough rasp of a voice. Yes, it was time for Norris to return. He needed to start to pry into what was really going on. He was suspicious of Hyrone and Fizzgan, Archiehope and Rubette. Something there was amiss.

It started. At first, as a joke. It happened. They liked it. It was no longer a joke. They did it here and there. Caught. Denied it. Fell out. It ended.  

Day after day, Hyrone endured the adverse press. They didn't like the fact that he and Fizzgan had called their new child Rubette after the Queen.  The Weatherfield Mail headline was 'New sprog for previously royal prince and that woman but did they ask her magnificent and dignified Queen for permission to use the name Rubette?' It was time for action. He called a meeting with David, Nina (ex-goth ballerina) and David's dog also David. They came round to meet Fizzgan and Hyrone at 6pm as scheduled. Hyrone gave them all ginger beer and cake and together they hatched a cunning plan. "We shall need code names," Hyrone told the others. "I shall be known as Julian, David you will be called Dick, Nina, you shall be known as George the boyish one and Fizzgan shall be called Anne. David the dog, you shall be called Timmy. Together we will the known as the Famous Five." "Hurrah for that," they all shouted in unison before drinking lashings and lashi...

  The sound of the gun being fired echoed throughout Coronation Street - and beyond.  Fizzgan was pegging out the washing in the yard when she heard the sound.  Being somewhat American by birth, she didn't react much to the sound, but little Archiehope did and he started crying. "Mwah mwah mwah," he cried, sounding not unlike Uncle Boris, who wasn't his real uncle but seemed to be a friend of his great-grandma. Fizzgan laid down the basket of wet clothes, and it was this act of bending forward that start her labour, and not the sound of the gun. "Baby's on't way," she said to herself.  "I best phone Hyrone." She called Hyrone's mobile and he answered quickly.  He was aghast and surprised at the same time, and said he'd rush home. Fizzgan phoned for an ambulance.  This, of course, is a common occurrence on the Cobbles. "Ambulance please. I'm having a baby.  And how much will it cost?" she said. "Ambulances are fre...

M ary was tidying up the floral display outside the flower shop.  She was chatting to Sharon. "Do you want to buy some toffees, Mary?  I've got chocolate covered toffees here; nutty toffee;  treacle toffee, and just plain old toffee toffee. All very nutritious Mary har har har," said Sharon. "I'm not allowed to eat toffee since the incident with the alpaca and Prince Charles," replied Mary.  "It was a long time ago.  Mother and I had a small summer job working on a farm.  I was mucking out the alpacas and mother was ploughing the fields.  I wanted to drive the tractor, but mother wouldn't let me drive the tractor, mainly because it reminded her of  the time that she drove an army tank during the war.  She hadn't of course, but during one of her unstable moments she hallucinated it.  Anyway, I diverge.  One day we were told that Prince Charles was coming to visit the farm, and mother and I were both very excited.  He had just di...

It was just another day in Weatherfield. A young man who had been kicked to death a few weeks before was buried. The murderer attended the funeral. After the funeral, he made remarks about the dead man's mother. Mother overheard him and so went after him with a bottle. That'll teach him! A woman about 60 tasered the landlady of the public house. Twice! Landlady of the public house confessed that she had been unfaithful to her husband (recently released from jail). Landlord packed his suitcase and left the landlady. 86 year old newsagent worker was held hostage by the woman with the taser. Gary burst the door open to save her. Gary (himself a murderer and former jailbird, brother of Faye, a current jailbird) stole van keys from the van belonging to the man who had kidnapped lickle Sam. The van driver wasn't best pleased, and so he chased Gary, who foolishly run up a dead a back lane which had no exit route. It did have a cage load of empty cardboard boxes though. The van dr...