Alternative Coronation Street

Sharon was hiding something, Jenny knew she was.  But what was it? --- Sharon's phone went. "Auntie Sharon, it's Harvey.  I'm still stuck inside." "I know Harvey and believe me I will get you out. I'm working hard.  Nick has been threatened, Sam was kidnapped, Leanne and Simon are withdrawing their statements. Har har har." "But Auntie Sharon, I'm frightened in here. I'm sharing a cell with a bad man." "I know sweetie.. har har har.  But you just need to wait a bit longer." --- Rita was drunk.  She was sitting on the bench outside Audrey's Hair, Wax and Nail Salon.  She was drinking straight out of the bottle, discretely wrapped in a copy of the Weatherfield Recorder.  Gemma sat next to her. "Sharon was one of the first that I fos fos fostered," Rita said.  "She was hard work, but look how nice she's turned out to be." "Yeah I know. She's so lovely and so stylish.  I love her hair Reets...

T he newspaper was half in the bin and half out of the bin. It caught the warm summer breeze slightly and fluttered with a gentle crinkle.  The average ear-owner would not have heard it, but Cathy did.  For Cathy, the sound was seductive and she couldn't resist but move towards it.  With a quick look around to see that no one was watching, she reached in and took it out of the bin.  The Weatherfield Recorder - a fine journal, and in good condition. She went back to Yasmin's with the paper proudly tucked under her arm.  No one was home, so Cathy was able to rush upstairs and place the paper in her carefully curated collection of newspapers.  She had almost 45,000 newspapers now and was running out of space.  The pizza boxes took up so much space, and they competed with the newspapers. --- Hyrone and Fizzgan were gazing into each other's eyes.  Hyrone loved Fizzgan, this much was clear.  Archiehope, gurgled in the background, and Hyrone was jus...

Nick decided that he had to rush from the Nick Cave back to Coronation Street to try to find Sam.  "I'm going to look for Sam outside and I may be some time," he said bravely. "Goodbye Nick. May we meet again, if not here, then in the eternal life hereafter," replied Leanne. Both realised that they had acquired 1940s style British war film accents. "Well toodle pip, old thing.  Keep your chin up. For England's sake," Nick said. "Farewell, God speed. It is a far, far better thing that you do, than you have ever done," said Leanne with a stiff upper lip.  Inside she was crying. --- Nick arrived on Coronation Street, and tapped on Gail's door.  He was dressed as a coalman so as not to draw attention to himself. "Sack of coal for the bath," he said when David opened the door. "I wish they hadn't hired that southern scriptwriter.  We don't keep coal in't bath," sighed David. Nick entered, and laid the sack o...

"Y ou can't just rearrange the items on the shelves," explained the supermarket worker. Rita wasn't convinced. "I was in retail before you were born, laddie. Now move out of my way. I want bread next to vodka, and vodka next to flans." The security guard came along. "Trouble here?" It was Emily Bishop. Rita was taken by surprise. "I'm taken by surprise," she said. "Emily Bishop working in a supermarket." "Yes, I'm afraid my pension doesn't go as far as it used to. And then I developed a scratch card habit." "Oh Emily, that's terrible. Mind, I developed a taste for the vodka in my old age." "Well, let's be honest. You've had more than just a taste for it for the last 50 years."

Simon turned around and left.  There were too many people at the chippie, and he decided that he would be safer back home.  He didn't know who wanted to meet him and he couldn't take the chance of being spotted by so many people.  And the tall ginger bloke looked like Harry.  He didn't want to have to listen to Harry going on about press intrusion, separate pathways, baby clothes, mental health and how oppressive life was inside the royal family. Sharon waited, hoping that Simon would turn up.  Ronnie left, Hyrone left and she stood outside for an hour, waiting for Simon. Simon, though, had taken the tram back to his safe house. "Sam gets it," she decided.  She saw the little boy walking along the street.  She rushed over. "Har har har, hi Sam. Are you going to see Grandma Gail?  She's not in." "Grandma Gail told me not to talk to strange women.  Look what happened to Uncle David." "But I'm no stranger sweetheart.  I was once frien...

Elaine, Yasmin and Cathy.  Weatherfield's very own Golden Girls. Elaine.  The one with the past, the one who had known men. Many many man. Yasmin.  The one with the overbearing husband, now deceased. Interested in community education. Cathy. The naive, innocent and foolish one.  The one who collected pizza boxes. Rita. Yasmin's mother.  Old, wise, witty and full of tales of old. --- "Picture it.  The Kabin. Early 1970s.  Daily Express 3p, packet of salt and vinegar 2p.  In walks Ken and Len." "Back in St Austell, we had twins called Ken and Len. They were in the same class as me at school," said Cathy. "Did they go to the local newsagent together?" asked Rita. "No, don't be silly. They'd eat the newspapers." Cathy laughed at Rita's daft question. "I know I'm going to regret asking," said Elaine, "but why did they eat newspapers?" "Goats will eat anything," replied Cathy. "So, Len and Ken ...

S haron was determined to lure young Simon into danger.  Harvey had issued her with a command, and she had to follow it. She needed to get Simon to get to Leanne.  "If I can kidnap and torture Simon, then I'll be able to lure Leanne out of hiding, and biff her over the head with my handbag," she mused and then laughed that nervous little rasp of hers. "Har, har, har." --- Jenny was feeling guilty. She shouldn't have taken advantage of Ronnie's innocence and purity, and had she known that Johnny was going to be released from prison soon, she might never have bothered.  What's another day without it when your man's been in jail for so long? "Did ya kiss him?" asked Daisy. "Not telling," replied Jenny. "Did you give him an extra egg with his breakfast?" "Not saying." "OMG! Did you,,,,?" "I'm saying nowt." "You did.  I can tell.  You've been giving him a pint and only charging f...

"N ina, pretty ballerina, now she is the queen of the dancing floor This is the moment she's waited for Just like Cinderella (just like Cinderella)." Daniel was singing Abba songs to himself. Bertie gurgled along and all was well.  This was never good in Coronation Street, as it usually meant that Something Bad Was About to Happen. And it did. Sam came upstairs and announced: "I am going to interview you for the post of my private tutor.  Complete this English comprehension." --- After Abi's outburst, Nina decided that being a goth was no longer for her.  She raked through Haley's old wardrobe to find something vaguely ordinary, and then in Roy's closet where she found a tutu.  She decided to become a ballerina.  It was every little girl's dream to wear feminine clothing and transform into a ballet princess.  Well now she too would be part of this craze. Every day in the morning on my way to the cafe you can see me as I walk from the flat Just a...

  Abi was still ranting.   She liked a good rant, which was just as well as she was getting married to Kevin, a man who also enjoyed moaning about things, and with such a background story who could blame him? "Who killed my Seb?" "Has she said anything yet?" "Who killed my Seb?" "She must remember something." "Who killed my Seb?" "My Seb is dead, and she's still alive." "Who killed my Seb?" "Just the kebab thanks." "Who killed my Seb?" It was a good question.  We all wanted to know. Little Angel Kelly was number one suspect. A child so pure that crowds parted to allow her to pass, out of awe (and not fear as some suggested). --- Nina was free. She had escaped the hospital by painting her face white and feigning death.  The hospital was short of medically trained staff, owing to Covid, Peter's transplant, Grace's baby's birth (following her fall from grace), people being hit by cars...

Kevin tried to console Abi.  Abi screamed at Nina. Roy tried to help Nina.  Nina told Kevin that she couldn't remember. Kevin muttered something.  Abi leapt into the air and landed on Nina's hospital bed.  Roy looked surprised. Nina told Abi that she couldn't remember. And still Seb was dead.

 Rita went into the Kabin, though she couldn't remember if she still worked there or not.  She tidied up the pile of Weatherfield Gazettes on the counter, and the headline caught her eye. "Weatherfield man murdered. Police hunting leader of sadistic gang."        A man known only as Seb with the weird man bun died in hospital yesterday after being attacked by a gang as he walked along the canal with his girlfriend.        The couple had been out walking in an attempt to find inspiration so that Seb could write a speech for his mother's wedding.  It is thought that they took a short cut through an industrial estate so that the couple could find a quiet spot in which to share an intimacy before returning home.        Nina, Seb's girlfriend told our reporter: "I can't remember who did it or what happened.  We were celebrating that fact that we were about to move in with each other, to share our lives together t...

 Rita woke up, hungover as usual.  She was fully dressed, and so she reckoned that she must have been pretty tanked up the night before. She got up off the couch and staggered around, tripping over her high heels. "Here, what's that on me shoes?"   She bent down (slowly) and picked up a shoe.   "Blood? That looks like blood. Where did that come from?"